A month in pictures because I used up 50,000 words this month

SHE'S back!!! Okay so I totally neglected this blog for the last  oooh month, I have a ton of excuses and I can't be bothered to type them, in case you missed the 17771 words that I achieved today (yes really procrastinator Tabs is in the house) just take my word for it when I say I have hand cramp (and that's the highly edited polite version). Plus I don't have the energy for a full on month long catch up, unless I can use pictures to convey words.... which I fully intend to do, It's my blog I can make up the rules ok?

Ah but I digress.... as always, 33 things... list achievement - update clearly update's are required first - that I can do even as I resort to using my nose to type...

1) Have pole dancing lessons... Nope haven't had time for this
2) Go to theme park  Nope haven't had time for this
3) Make own clothes  Nope haven't had time for this
4) Learn to love self... Marking this as pending, I love myself a lot more this year than I did last...
5) Go paintballing  Nope haven't had time for this
6) Write book and blog... There are no words required:

read it and weep... it's a fact and no ye of little faith I DID not just write the same word 50,000 times although that was tempting

7) Lose 33 pounds...I lost half a stone... it's an achievement
8) Grow hair  Well I didn't cut it yet....
9) Learn to reverse park Nope, what for you can't park in hospitals, I'm sticking to the abandon veichle approach.. it's wholly acceptable in most hospitals
10) Go on actual holiday - Nope
11) Buy new furniture - Have sofa... not that I've seen a lot of it this month
12) Get butt flush - I'm going to have to find an angle on the being scared to death by my daughter to not have to do this
13) Go back to university Nope
14) Drink 33 drinks - definitely drank more than the agreed 33 - but mainly it's been Vodka
15) Grow 33 fruits and veg Too cold
16) Learn to cook I can make soup
17) Meet Brilliant - FAIL :(
18) Quit smoking... Stoptober (again)    Nope, have to make it quit smoking rather than specifically October since it's practically Christmas
19) Play more games Nope
20) Save ( money not games) Hospital parking kind of wipes out any money you had (sense a theme here yet?)
21) Have sex 33 times  - Just no, although when I don't have hand cramp there is a funny story involving implant removal and mint condoms
22) Win Man vs. food challenge Nope
23) Read 100 books HELLO I just wrote one, therefore I READ nuffink
24) Change job DID IT.. well kind of since I'm working my notice
25) Watch 33 or more epic films as decreed by Leelou & Dann NOPE
26) Own Converse still no - sad face
27) Sort out mum - well she got a job, so that's progress surely
28) Do lots of RAKING NOPE :(
29) Have kitten YAY have kitten
30) Glamp (with Essex accent) NOPE
31) Be Veggie - 33 day minimum Trust me when I say I nailed this... hubby and small people still recovering
32) Be Cultural x 3 (or more) Now I am totally counting watching the BBC proms as one, because thats well cultured even if it was Dr Who related... it COUNTS people!
33) Get 33 different catchphrases ( and record them on video) JUST NO


Well I think we nailed that and thank god since my hands really are protesting... so onward with a photographic journey (not necessarily in order, get a Tardis for those kind of things) of the suckiest and awesomeness of my life...

I may have mentioned this.... but I spent considerably less time than the allocated month writing a novel, it's trash but I still nailed it :)

In a moment of self discovery. I decided that hormones are the root of all evil, or at least my varying skin conditions, I had my implant removed, and I was brave

Girl child before she got sick, demanding that she be taken to Stafford to party like the rest of the bitches, ooops I mean witches

Mum madly obsessed with steam cleaning the hell out of everything...

We got a kitty.... we argued over his name, in my head he is still Adipose King (yes I'm fully aware that its a fat cell in Dr Who but it's cute)

Then Alaska got sick and got the naming rights to call him Salem (I call him Adipose when everyone has gone out)

I had an anniversary. Like a proper 13 year old one, with flowers and everything. I got to enjoy these beauty's for approximately 2 hours

then this happened :( and she stole my socks..

and it just got worse from there...

:(

yet through her pain, she remembered the importance of fashion and good lips, not that there was anyone else in the actual ward to even think about kissing

And she got sicker

and sicker

and less and less amused at her mother photo documenting it all

This was the last one I dared take at this point

Mum stepped into the breach and explained it like spending a night with the exorcist

And then banana milkshake (ALWAYS bring a banana to a party - he knows what he's talking about) saved the day

I learnt origami

And we got our own room...

We discovered new kinds of selfies and the benefit of a good Dad t shirt

And then we got segregated again in a  whole new hospital

But we could eat, wear ridiculously small hats and communicate further than sign language

And then they made her do lessons, in hospital while sick (what is the world coming to?)

And because we have a good scientific understanding. We learnt to draw what was wrong with us, even if we couldn't explain it to other people without sobbing

And then Dad came and made everything shiny

The cat slept the whole month

The boy child remained bandaged

But learnt that a pair of tights has more than one use, come children in need.

Hubby learnt that there are no lines I won't cross in search of nature to be later applied to Doctor Who., he allowed me to get us lost in the forest and found me a walking stick

I painted out my woes in to the upcoming Who Tree (Real thing people)

The cat woke up

Girl child (new pajamas and all) decided that bob needed boy pj's for his return to hospital

And I was amused by faeces when I finally made it back to work

I decided to celebrate the 50th anniversary in a TARDIS off with a friend

and won thanks to the power of photo bombing..

 My Husband regenerated

And I wore every piece of clothing I own to recreate a mixture of all the regenerations...

And there was custard and fish fingers

And decorations

Girl child was half a tardis even if she need a mirror to reflect her writing

And despite mothers bickering they all joined in...

We all took a turn at hanging around in door frames

 And boy child demonstrated his Whovian abilities

We got a little crazy post 50th

And then the Dr regenerated (make of that what you will) in my bedroom of all places

The windows got replaced and it was cold

And then I had another anniversary in which I was spoiled and we spent another day at the hospital

Mum got all crazy with her vagina knitting

(do not ask)

And hubby got all nerdy with his star gazing app

And to end it all, I began to make bunting....

And that was November - The edited version

NaNoWriMo, Drive through trick or treating, Narnia Doors, DataProtection, Cats without names and Extreme Cleaning

Yay Happy NaNo (Although by the time I publish this it will be Nano plus two but whatev's what ev's), I am not going to explain it just follow the link

NaNoWriMo

But all you need to know that if I manage to do this, it covers the write a book element of my 33 things. Now I spent some time perusing the forums and freaking myself out with the planners of the world. Turns out I am not too old to learn things and I apparently fall into the category of "Pantsing" which means to fly by the seat of your pants  - or as I like to call it making it up as you go along (much like my real life). In theory this means writing 1667 words a day, which after todays effort (3361) doesn't seem so bad. Your supposed to be good and not edit as you go, and so far I haven't but my fingers are already itching to. Also I had to stop writing because my main character or MC (told you I learn stuff) is behaving in the complete opposite way to how I had *ahem* planned. As a result I am a little bit scared of her.. (Don't tell her she will probably eat me for breakfast). Also have sound track for this year which is essentially anything by Garfunkel and Oates... and my second (yes I wrote two) chapter comes from this beauty

GAH why do I let girl child have access to my phone? It leads to selfy non selfies that take up all my phone memory, plus she filters the hell out of everything! Because I am apparently a soft touch, I ended up agreeing to take her back to Stafford (or as it is now known HELL NO) to go trick or treating with her buddies. Now bearing in mind I lived there for a long while, could I find her mates house no I could not, plus girl child phones her friend for directions... so the blind leading the blind (and she forgot to pack her glasses because she is vain) and naming random places I am too old to know about I eventually find it while shouting at both girl child and her too cool for me mate. I chucked her out of the car and wheel spun (okay I didn't I don't know how) the hell out of there and went to stay with my "northern" buddy, who taught me not one but two Northern traits.

#

^^^^ apparently acceptable Halloween costumes...

Where I come from (as in the South) trick or treating involves dressing up like a freaky character, knocking on peoples door's, screaming trick or treat and snatching as much free chocolate as you can. Up North apparently it involves all of the above, but instead of actually walking anywhere one simply drives door to door and shouting "hey you trick or treat, now come to my car and give me goodies" I do not have the energy to expend detailing this, but it amused me to the point of incontinence. Once one had ensconced chocolate filled but not (and this is important) physically exhausted children at the family home, one should spend the remainder of the evening in pubs in the MIDDLE of nowhere (and when I say nowhere I do mean places that even Narnia enchanted wardrobes can't meet) where just by turning up you lower the average age by 230%.  Also important to recognise (for future use) that this is the kind of pub where you meet people you shouldn't (not that I'm directly quoting anyone) because after you get them drunk you can take them to a) the forest or b) the local dogging car park (not that I know what that is for the record). 

Actually most amazing and friendly pub I have been in, and I do love to talk to a random Northerner who clearly recognises my southerness and names northern places I think he may have made up. Plus always cool to have space to spurt (yes I used spurt it is NaNoWriMO) out my inner most urk (Urk is a real word people) Then when I admit to being disgusting smoker it turns out they have the coolest (I already used any decent vocabulary on my novel) smoking pit ever. All one has to do is go through the Narnia Door (actually it was more Alice now I have time to think about it) to discover a whole new world of smoking.... red lights, warmth, very 80s / 90s sound track I've officially found the equivalent of my spiritual home. Also discovered that no matter where you go, internet enabled or not that there is a sound hound fan everywhere you go. (especially ironic when said sound hounder made the disc he is sound hounding)

Additionally the Northerners have the most amazing puddings ever... someone found a way to combine red velvet cake (or sex in a cake) with cheesecake (also sex in a cake... there is cheese which should automatically equal sex.. not that I'm stating a sexual preference)

Hubby tormented me with pictures of the kitty with no name, since he did his visit today (yay tomorrow or today and we can bring him home)... he is ridiculously cute

See... I don't lie

Got phone call from ex work buddy who insists that I go to work to see them all.... trapse (oooh lovely word) over to old work, meet buddies, EX BOSS TROLL BITCH (god I hope someone reads this and interprets this for what I really mean and tells her) says I shouldn't be here because of data protection, and why don't I meet people for lunch attempts to throw me out. Now if this was a workplace that actually knew about data protection I'd give her some respect, but she's got no balls and can't bring herself to say I'm an asshold please leave. I am so glad that I didn't travel all the way up there just for that visit. I didn't give her the satisfaction of an argument but believe me when I say if she actually cracked a smile she might mistake it for an orgasm. Plus AS IF I went there to read people's file GET OVER YOURSELF.... and all things considered all she really did was confirm why I left in the first place (worried I would have taken your job MUCH?) Never going back there in a squillion years....visited sick friend instead and enjoyed her company instead :)

Now it's not often that my mother dances, has autistic flaps or squeals with joy but when I got home the steamer had arrived and she was dancing, flapping and giggling like a mad thing. In my house Friday equals not cooking, eating junk and doing SFA (sweet fuck all) but not my mum with  a steamer...

First she made hubby take the over door off...

Then despite not emptying the bin (god boy child is screwed when his cast comes off) she donned her rubber gloves and made noises in the kitchen that caused more than one flashback to my childhood!

I am VERY concerned that when I go back to work next week I will find that she steamed the hell out of everything.....