new ways to embarrass myself x 2, sleep recordings and other ramblings...

Okay so you'd think by now 7 days into the job I might finally have stopped being the odd one (I know right who are we kidding) and that I would have at least worked out how to be more organised or just anything.

Let me tell you this people, there are people who are shiny and happy and professional looking without a hair out of place who say things like oh it's no effort whatsoever (Liars) those who are the same but at least admit to giving up an hour of sleep to look perfect and then there are the bone idle who choose sleep over everything else... and then there is me, who just can't be arsed... that being said even I have a base level of standards... not that you would know it. For example I may go to work with my clothes backwards, inside out or indeed smelling of substances (it was ONE time people) and occasionally torn but I do not arrive in hot pants, one because I don't actually fit into my hot pants any more and even if I did I don't think looking at my camel toe is something anyone wants to do; or for that matter evidence my muffin tops hanging out the sides either. Also because I am not a stripper / pole dancer / other hot pant stereotype (Kylie?) and because age has snuck up on me and my hot pant days are officially over. Well aside from when I know Girl Child has friends over and I'm trying to intentionally be the embarrassing parent or want to do the milkshake dance (yes I really do that for kicks). 

Now I was brought up in a household where there wasn't a dress code, mainly because my mother purchased all my clothes (tartan, plaid and velvet from memory) and also because I was spoiled enough to have them laid out every morning (No not like hand maidens) however there was rule which I attempt to apply to everyday life... boobs or legs never both. Which having only ever having legs (which at secondary school a boy told me were thunder thighs and called me elephant legs every day) and just penny's on an ironing board was never really an issue. Until now, in recent years I have lets just say bloomed in the bosom department which when all my mates were like "yada yada back ache, losing stuff (including boyfriends) in there and other negatives, I didn't understand and now I do. Trust me I found half a kit kat down there on Monday... As always I digress, so I got up on time; meaning that mum came bursting into my bedroom in her post waking up stupor and waffled about weeds while sniffing at my seedlings before passing out, which made me feel like it probably was time to get up. Selected my outfit in a no thought just whack it on, black and black with pink and orange always goes right? And before you also sniff... actually it does... or would if you hadn't gone to a very professional meeting without paying attention to aforementioned bosoms:

Now I was going to take a selfie of this so you could truly understand my scenario but then realized that, that would be probably porn and a belfie... I mean when did this happen to this frock? Did I have one of my drunken moments in which I announced that none of my clothes fit so either took some kind of hallucinogenic trip to a stripper boutique (possible) or did I decided after (still probably drunk) an episode of the great British sewing bee to alter all of my clothes? because I'm willing to admit that I have put on weight but not that this frock EVER looked like this before...

So by the time it dawned on my that my puppies did not really need to be on display anymore than my belly button to excuse myself to the toilet... please bear in mind that I do in fact now own an emergency sewing kit but I could hardly get that out mid meeting while announcing I was going to the little girls room could I? So I did the only sensible thing a person could do...

YUP I put the dress on backwards in order to solve the problem...also used own teeth to bite out label because that way no one would ever know! and returned to the meeting. Several problems with this plan is that a) when looking in the mirror I did acknowledge that I did look a bit ninja like and that actually now the frock covered half of my face and that b) when one is me and looks in the mirror the only part that I'm considering is my front half.... it doesn't take a genius to work out that if your belly button and bosoms were on show when you had the dress the right way round that your ass is probably on full view through the glass windows of meeting room to an entire floor of other professionals when you turn it around. Fortunately for me this didn't actually occur to me until I was walking back to my car and the builders gave me the whistle. Foolishly V smug about this as you can imagine thinking how many years it was since anyone actually whistled at me randomly until it did dawn on me, which I decided to rectify by doing a sideways crab walk to hide my indecency which only promoted the frontal ninja, ass hanger look. Took detour to supermarket with sewing kit to rectify the problem...Admittedly not a complete triumph especially since bosom threatened to bust through frock for the rest of the day, which interestingly is very distracting when trying to be professional but mind is focused on how to sit or not sit to prevent this from actually happening. 

So as if that wasn't enough I then went to have a look around a service, you know introduce myself make some contacts, network even like a real grown up, which is when I met the manager of said service and I'm prattling along in the boob buster dress (trying not to bust) when he finally interrupts me to me that he is in fact my old bosses husband.... which is when I want the ground to swallow up and eat me alive since I spent the last 20 mins of that half hour telling him why I left my last job... Now really looking forward to next set of meetings, which are monthly and mandatory - oh look its tits Maloney  or ass girl you know the one who hates her job (dammit). On top of that for some reason (I HAVE NO IDEA WHY) when he was asking about why I like to be called Tabs I made the "pussy joke" (CRINGE) so that's probably going to add to the thank god she left the last job shes clearly insane list.

Also word to the wise, if you have insane taste in music of the offensive variety don't play it at full volume with your windows open, when you are at work - don't ask just trust me on this. 

In other news I have been of late listening to Scott Mills of the Radio 1 variety (other radio stations are available) and enjoying his section on sleep apps. SO of course I had to get it and I had to test the theory last night.... which naturally led to an argument with hubby (in a good natured no you, no you kind of way). WELL turns out that for how much I talk in the day I don't do that much talking at night, but what I do do is scream weird noises followed by breathing heavily afterwards while hubby yells "bed space bed space" in the background...I did ask if there was naughtiness (that I may not recall) or if he was trying to kill me in his sleep but he swears blind that neither of these things is true.... think I may have to keep recording just in case... If I hadn't deleted that baby I would have put it on here...

In other news I took great pleasure in getting the opportunity to drive past my mum on her way to work and hanging out of the window making an L sign on my head and screaming Loser to the amusement of the rest of the village. She's not due home for another hour or so but if I go AWOL it's either her or the hubby...

A weekly round up, odd looking sweets, new job new job, gardening and other shenangians

I feel like its important that I explain that the titles of my entry's are completely made up and based on whatever I used as a picture within the post before I even started writing. Also they are often inspired by what I saw or read on Facebook last... the fact that I used the word shenanigans today is because I saw a post about putting the "she" in nannigans.... probably not that funny but it stuck in my head...

Anyhoo general round up much prompted by photo's because I have the memory of a sieve without them.

NEW JOB, NEW JOB, so in case you had not caught on I changed job AGAIN but actually its not so much of a big change but a step back into something familiar, a bit like putting on a pair of slippers, so I'm back to SWing in LD which already after a week feels right. I had one of those why did I leave? this moments (I'm full aware that this will wear off again in about a week) so its all good.

So in order to be the professional being that I am, I prepared my bag in the way of a highly efficient and organised person, and have little packs of things I should always have carried around, this includes a pencil case to rival Rymans, an emergency sewing kit (turned out I was right about that) enough drugs to tranquilize an elephant (I may not have done this job for a while but I remembered the headaches)  first aid kit (yes really) and other essentially essential goods. Actually felt a bit smug about my look at me, can't parent for crap but have highly efficient handbag to cover all acts of gods and possible tsunamis (ask me about my fold away poncho and expanding towel) look. You know new me, new job, first impressions count. I even went to bed early and set like a zillion alarms (which I slept through but its the thought that counts). Of course at this time I was still deaf in one ear, so I did get up in the middle of the night and googled "how to not be deaf for my first day at work" It's amazing the things people on the internet come up with. For once I'll save you the really gory details but I did try most of them excepting the paraffin and a lighter trick (that scared even me) and in the end I settled for the hour long douche blasting ear technique.... hurt like hell and the state of the sink after could have been used on the set of a movie (like attack of the ear wax or some such film) but I could hear. Went back to bed even more smug than before.

So I slept through a few of the alarms but I did get up in relative time, had an argument with the boy child who decided again that he was going to have a shower (what is with this child? - I miss the dirty one that took a wash only on his birthday at least he didn't hog the bathroom - plus why shower every morning if your going to turn your pants inside out and wear your socks for another week?). Actually had the time to make myself a nice cup of tea in my travel mug so that I could drink it on the way to work. In theory this should have been the most perfect first day morning in history... but no not me. I had planned my outfit around wearing my beloved boots which kind of make the outfit, which is why when I loaded up my car and didn't notice that my boots had fallen out of the car (Yes I still can't drive in heels) that as I reversed out of the drive I ran over the damn things... knackered is not a description, those boots have gone to the great shoe graveyard in the sky. Which left me with the bright orange flat shoes that shouldn't be worn in public, no other shoes for this outfit problem. (I resolved this by finding a local supermarket and buying a £4 pair of black flats). So I drove along to work picking up my super yummy prepared in a travel mug cup of tea and starting drinking it thinking how cool and calm and efficient I am and aside from the shoe disaster thinking that things are going considerably well... Now I drink a lot of herbal tea (that's not a euphemism people) so some of them taste a little funky... but this one being my fave in the world (licorice if you are interested) I know how it should taste. It was bit off but I couldn't put my finger on it, I thought it was maybe the just brushed my teeth thing, but half way through drinking it when I'm trying to work out what the familiar taste is that I haven't tasted before but definitely smelt before. Which is when it dawns on me that I blindly took the cup off the side not thinking to like rinse it or anything and that in fact I am drinking bleach (Zoflora to be precise) mixed with herbal tea. Needless to say I stopped drinking and started worrying about the side effects of this kind of poisoning and just how embarrassing it would be to either vomit at work on my first day or drop down dead from bleach abuse. Decided to detour to buy bottle of water to hopefully wash the toxins from my body.

I forget to mention that while I had socially acceptable hair for once (by which I mean it actually stayed in the grip) that I regret that bloody fringe I was so proud of a few weeks ago. Would the damn thing stay flat? no it decided to do the little girl with a little curl thing but all over the place... I tried to tame it with bobby grips and spit (no point pretending otherwise) but that damn thing wasn't having a bar of it (note to self: wear hat next week)

So I arrived at new new job, supposedly in one piece but because it wouldn't be me if I didn't finish off all of the disasters by splitting my leggings wide open (wouldn't have happened if I had the boots) so basically despite all my planning and organizing I arrived at work looking like in fact me.. crazy fringe, big legging split, half delirious from bleach and with cheap shoes, so much for a first impression... but as my mate says at least they won't get a shock when I go in on a REALLY bad day! Anyhow I've been there a week and so far I love it in a getting my head round it kind of way, but I'll report back and let you know.

So in other news....

I did post this already on facebook..

WHO is responsible for this genius sweet branding. I mean I realize I am a completely dirty minded cow, but no matter how many photo's I took they all came out like this, boy child couldn't see what all the fuss was about, but lets just agree that I won't be letting him buy this particular brand of sweet again... I mean REALLY?

Girl child suggested that this should be my new professional pen, but I had to explain that my job is hard enough and most people are frightened of me as it is, so can you imagine me with my reassuring I'm here to help you face and then whipping out a frankly anemic head on a pen? Nope I don't think so, but it did lead to much mirth when we tried to work out what to do with the rest of her body. 

Since it's that time of year:



ITS SO PRETTY! I thought that I ought to do the whole trying to be frugal and friends with nature thing again...

So I made a mini greenhouse (pinterest people pinterest) 

and I decided to start building my red neck (their words not mine) container garden (trust me it's going to be epic) which is not unlike last year going to reveal just how much Pepsi (other brands are available) goes into my Vodka habit. It's all good though and going to be very cool and vegetable (I was going to say fruitful but I'm growing veg people) plus it means when it all goes right that I might achieve one of my 33 things before I'm 34 (see I do remember what this blog is supposedly for). I did dig up the allotment again and stroke my seedlings (they have feelings too) but the weather decided that it was still April so opened up a shed load of rain and wind so my babies are not ready to go out just yet.

Also thanks to google have a whole bunch of amazing gardening ideas that involve a lot of buckets and hanging things of my fence... hubby said no, but mum said we'd just wait until he's out and do it anyway (and you guys wonder where I get my traits from?)

Also made Sunday lunch, by which I mean I stared at the chicken until mum came in the kitchen and started being a mum which meant that I didn't do a whole bunch. Eventually because she got fed up of me hovering in a I'm trying to help but actually want you to dismiss me kind of way she handed me a peeler. This was a mistake and those of you who pay ANY attention to my Facebook feed will know what's coming next. So I saw this great thing on Facebook where a chef basically used a drill and a peeler to make peeling veg / fruit easier and faster... so in the way that I do when I have to try something, I marched into hubby demanded his drill and proceed to drill potatoes... Turns out that the only thing that happens when I try to drill / peel potatoes is that there's a lot of starchy potato juice (and not the vodka kind) all over my tiny kitchen and that all my roast potatoes have a succession of holes in them.... not entirely sure what went wrong but am going to purchase a number of different peelers in the week and try again.  Hubby did the "you are an idiot but I love my drill" face so I gave him his drill back before I could do any further damage. At this point I gave up on even pretending to help and left mum to it. 

Hubby is experiencing some kind of spring mania as I went for a catch up with one of my friends today, and I come back to find out the ironing has been done without my input (meaning a week of crumpled clothes but lets be fair I didn't set the bar that high) and is now "bored" and so has decided to trash (I mean reorganize) the living room.... it looks fifty times worse now but I'm just leaving him to it...