Weekend Summary....and the day before STOPTOBER

I didn't manage to post over the weekend, because apparently I was too busy being a real human being and do things with the familee... on this basis I'm making today a generally summary in the pre October-ness of tomorrow...

Saturday morning I woke up super early (okay 8.50) as I had promised the small people that I would treat them to breakfast. Hubby said that that was NEVER going to happen because I am incapable of getting up before 11 on a Saturday and therefore not to get the small people's hopes up... Naturally because he said I couldn't I did.. which proves that he knows me pretty well and the old tell me not to trick proved to continue to work on me...

Proof that I did indeed get up and have breakfast with the small people... In typical fashion Girl child who never eats anything at home (well given my recent cooking attempts I can see why) she decided that since this was the only time she was going to get real food this month and went up to the all you can eat far more times that I had originally anticiapted and filled her hollow little legs. I could see the profits of the all you can eat be broken by the world's hungriest small person.... boy child on the other hand (who eats everything in the house and then asks for pudding) decided that he wasn't as hungry as usual (I did check he had already eaten 5 weetabix before we went out)

^^^ Doubting Thomas above who said I couldn't get up on a Saturday (WRONG)... I only put this picture on to demonstrate that he is not a morning person either... 

Now if there's one thing I like about going out, it's the colouring in, and apparently my small people are too old for that kind of thing..but ever the eternal child I'm all about the colouring... so I completely ignored the bar person who told me that the colouring sheets were for the children, (grabbed me a handful of crayons) much to small people's disgust and merrily coloured my way through breakfast....

(I'm a colour outside the lines kind of girl in case you hadn't figured)

Now onto the real reason for getting out of bed.... TORCHWOOD.... oh alright Touchwood but it's nearly the same thing, hubby and children wouldn't let me scribble out all the U's on the car parking signs and change them for R's (they are NO fun whatsoever) but Touchwood is the home of my belated birthday present...

The DR.... how cute????? Now initially I thought the woman in the shop was going to think I was completely insane when I said he needed two hearts... and then she saw the outfit and said.. is this going to be a Dr Who bear... (yes I did the squee of excitement) but it turns out that she is Whovian like me so we chatted for most of the time about Dr's old and new, and hubby just rolled his eyes a lot (as did boy and girl child) while the Doctor was being fluffed (or as I like to think of it regenerated) I have never been as excited in my whole life... once he was finished I hugged him to ensure that both hearts were in good working order before singing and dancing through the store (yes I was the oldest person in there) to make Hubby pay for him...

And then the Dr and I went home :) Now I spent the rest of the afternoon trying to find him a long brown coat (fail) and also a fez/bowtie/ tweed jacket incase he regenerates again while he was with me.... not looking good so far but I may have to con my sister into making one... (well she is a seamstress people)

Then girl child out did herself with her excellent reading abilities, but as I told her she's my child had she scored any lower I would have been surprised. But still very proud of her, and going to be have strong words with them on Thursday about why exactly she is still in the bottom set for English...

After all that my buddy came round and we got horrendously drunk, played all manner of games including shot snakes and ladders (which I admit may have been a mistake), film trivia and California kings.... I cannot even begin to explain the rules of the California Kings because she and hubby make them up as the go along and it always ends up in oh that card means Tabs has to drink while standing on her head... or Tabs has to down 6 shots or Tabs has to stick things in her eyes.... we'll just say that at 5am in the morning when I finally finished talking I wasn't entirely sure that my liver would make it through another day. Did learn about (look away now) tactical chunders.... which is like a refresh so that you can keep drinking, but decided against it....

Sunday was Sunday as you can imagine I didn't really achieve a lot, but I did stick to my word and upset the small people by instilling No Tech Sunday, which does what it says on the tin. The small people are obsessed with sticking their faces in the pc / xbox / phone / internet rather than having real conversations or doing their homework of anything, so earlier last week I threw a strop and said that no-one was using any tech at all on Sundays and we were damn well spending the entire day together whether we liked it or not.... (and it was indeed a challenge...actually having to talk to the small people and do family type things)... well we survived (boy child nearly didn't but thats a whole other story)..... decided that due to other commitments and being a bit hungover and frightened that I'm doing the cabbage soup diet this week but next since I don't have to "BE" anywhere next week...

I didn't achieve all that much today, had a job interview which was quite frankly a bit bleurgh, I can't decide if I'm just in one of my not tolerant moods and can't be faffed and that's why I don't think it went so well, or whether it was too simple... plus if I do get it I have to make some decisions because its part time and less money but is what I love and permanent.... kind of not focusing on until Wednesday I'm just sick of being bored like I am now....

Was supposed to be cubbing tonight only could I find the location of where we are supposed to be? No I could not, even though I drove half way around the country looking for it, down single track and half track lanes... I did learn a few things though, I learnt that I can't read GPS co-ordinates, I can't drive in my walking boots, I can drive barefoot but it hurts and despite certain peoples comments on my driving I can in fact do a 3 point turn in a single track lane without hitting anything. Oddly this made me feel a little more satisfied with the world, however I am bummed that I didn't get to go play in the forest or that I didn't get to road test my ninja style tracksuit (yes I wore an actual tracksuit today... this country living is really changing me)

So that's kind of where I got to today and I'm already thinking about an early night.... Tomorrow is the 1st of October which means the start of STOPTOBER (must remember to go and smoke a lot of fags in a minute) and the start of my be veggie for 33 days challenges... (also have emergency bacon sandwich while smoking before bed)

Lady Gardens, Drama and Mr Twit

God I bloody love autumn.... genuine reason to be depressed and enjoy it without other people saying stupid cheerful crap like cheer up its summer, yay shorts seasons, oooh ice cream (okay I love ice cream) and you'll be sorry when its winter.... (WRONG)

I love autumn and winter, I love that its cold and I can dig out my jumpers, complain about the cold, drink hot chocolate and generally be a miserable sod. I also love autumnal telly, Sheldon is back, the IT crowd was epic (whats Jen doing with the internet?), Glee is back and well all is right with the world.

Still sick (only insert loss of voice and excessive sneezing at this point so we've probably hit the peak) but it turns out that you can put vodka in anything including honey and lemon, Beechams and Covonia... (yes all at the same time) and you kind of get the kind of happy where you forget you were sick in the first place (until the morning at least)

As a genuinely sick person I achieved nothing, had small paddy when realised that this washing and cleaning stuff isn't actually done by cleaning fairies or by simply thinking about it, so I stood in the kitchen (supping my newly named Vodhonlemchams (c) ) and contemplated doing houseworky "stuff" . Now I have watched my mother do this (not the supping) and she appears to have a system... so I developed my own, I lobbed everything into the washing machine (why waste time with this coloured non coloured crap.. I'm a non discriminatory laundry agent) and hoped for the best. While this was happening I also "loaded" the dishwasher.... the main difference between my mothers approach (which is to slot stuff in neatly and in order) and mine is that I just threw it all in there shut the door and switched it on, I have not as yet considered who is going to empty either of these devices, but it can probably wait the two-ish weeks until mum gets home...

Decided that today was not the day for cooking triumphs so made SW kievs... (no pictures I ate them) while arguing with girl child for the trillionth time about GCSEs (I'm so bored of it I actually can't be arsed any more also could be effects of  Vodhonlemchams (c)) so the final list of today is... (and I have to write it down so that when this wears off I can remind her what she said)

Mandatory:  Maths, English, Science, PE (yerk)
Chosen: History, French, Drama (She's going to turn up and they are going to give her an A and say sorry no professionals)  and Psychology (Well shes got an excellent subject just with her mother)

There was a discussion about wanting to help people for a career... and I may have snorted Vodhonlemchams (c) out of my nose, but hubby interjected and did the serious talking. I think this was because not only am I disheveled mess of snot and dribble (and that's just my usual look) he was trying to recover from earlier in which he said (and I quote) there is such a thing as too much bass to girl child. Now this coming from the man who for 13 years (I counted every single one of them) has insisted on driving his car like its a low rider and playing music that makes my heart hurt (and I mean physically like having palpation's attacking not emotionally) and making most of our many many houses shake was ironic. As I stated earlier today on Facebook if it was this alone it would have passed me by, but his reaction to the Miley Cyrus video (you know the one) just kind of confirmed that hes finally joined me on the wrong side of 30.

Ever one for the tedious link, I may sound like I'm hubby bashing today, but I would like to remind you that I am not well, dosed up on Vodhonlemchams (c) (if I say it enough it'll become a real thing and then I can go on dragons den and meet Peter Jones and maybe even touch his socks mmmmmmmmmmmmmm) and generally just being mopey, however I will let you into the kind of discussion that my hubby and I have of an evening...

So we are sitting in the garden smoking (look its for a limited time only all you judging judges) and we're talking about (insert something here, to be fair I kind of filter a lot of what hubby says cos it's mostly techy geeky stuff) when the subject of lady gardens comes up... (look away now if your not comfortable with female areas) and he says.. "well to be fair its not exactly a bush is it? It's more like Mr Twit's beard you could pull chicken bones out of it............."

Now its not often that I am speechless or indeed flabbergasted (excellent word must use more) but I'm just not sure what the response to that is....

Flash 2 “His wife was having tea with the King and he didn’t even know about it.”

As he aimlessly shuffled paper around his desk, he knew she would tease him if she knew how accurate her description of his job was, he wondered what she really did with her days. He knew that she worked, of course she did, that was what all the ranting and raving, stressing and regular bout of depression that he didn't know how to handle were about. No he didn't mean what she did physically but where her mind went, when she was holding a conversation, waving her arms around, making tea, doing her job and operating at 100 miles an hour in the way that only she could, one of the many reasons that he loved her so much.  He knew that she was a trapped spirit encased in a physical human body; spirit bound only to the earth and sometimes to him; part of her though would never belong in this world, it escaped to her world of imagination, of fantasy of play where she could be the eternal child that they both knew that she was but never acknowledged.

He pondered to himself what it was really like inside her head, and whether even if he caught a glimpse whether, that would bring him any closer to understanding her, or whether it would leave him with a burning desire to run away as fast as he could. Cold chills ran down his spine as he considered whether given the chance he would really want to explore that side of her. What was worse was knowing that he would never have that choice.

It was odd though the way that he only really knew her when she was sleeping, like he was the only one she trusted to drop her guard in front of, to fall asleep in his lap trusting that no harm would come to her during sleep. He could count on one hand the number of times he had seen her smile in her waking days but lost count of the millions of times she had smiled; her lop sided dimple smile while she was sleeping, free from the worries of reality. She was a talker, god only knows everyone knew that, but she spoke to keep others on the edge of her walls, her self-constructed boundaries; to keep from having to answer the difficult questions, as a form of defense to keep the daemons at bay and yet when she slept she spoke more freely, of things he didn't have the creativity to imagine; adventure, daring, riddles and labyrinths and more regularly these days of tea with the king.  He wondered what that meant to her and why it seemed so urgent when she spoke of it, even mimicked it in her sleep. Who was the King and why did he visit in her sleep, taking her for tea? He had questioned her in the fog between sleep and awake and he remained frustrated at her inability to explain or understand what he was asking. If he was honest he didn't know himself and whether it mattered as much as he thought it did.

(519)

A fair hand - flash prompts

Mustard and moodiness

Some days, just some I wonder why I even bother getting out of bed at all... to be fair I actually spent most of it in bed drifting in and out of sleep experiencing curious dreams that Alice (of the wonderland variety) would have been proud of, hot sweats and cold sweats (Now she's not here but if she was I know mum would say something like... you think that is bad wait until you get to my age... errr no thanks)

So when I did fall out of the bed (and this was purely to take my onesie off and then on and then off again) I discovered that talking, breathing and in fact functioning was not on the agenda for the day, however I am woman (hear me roar) so I knew that if I got up and ignored it, it would at least lessen by the end of the day. Plus being home alone means that it is acceptable to put tampons up my nose, in my ears, hack like an old person and wander the house in a semi naked semi dressed state riding out the hot and the cold sweats..

Naturally feeling like this does not make one want to cook, or experimentally cook, or to contemplate food of any kind. What I did want to do was drink (and not vodka for a change) anything that was either hot and soothing or cold and soothing... (I can see you rolling your eyes over there do not worry I did not experiment with drinks... just hot Ribena and cold Ribena...)

House is surprisingly quiet with just me in it, and it did occur to me in the late afternoon as to who it is that actually does the housework around here, and who exactly is going to be loading / unloading the dishwasher, doing the laundry and meal planning around here for the next few weeks.  Had small fright when I spilled hot Ribena all over work surfaces and only had Mum's cleaning cloth to hand... am hoping bright purple stain in said cloth will have faded by the time she returns...

Spent the afternoon as only the sick and pitying blogger can do, researching more crazy ass stuff to do, and how to be frugal (Mum is just going to love the fruit bag scourer I made today... and by made I mean stuffed orange bags into one another and announced it a scourer!)

Also watched a lot of the Doctor because well that's who I am and he didn't object to previously mentioned tampons in the nose look... plus now that I know he's leaving I'm getting a Matt Smith crush. Additionally as some of you may know I am a firm believer in a good heart wrenching sob for no other reason than because I can and it clears out the old brain fog... so I watched the one where the Dr lost everyone (SPOILERS)

Small people arrived home, which to be quite frank I'd rather they hadn't, seriously there are too many bloody hormones in this house even with mum gone. Lets just say that between the slamming and the grunting and then the massive argument about having to go into the community and have a real conversation with people instead of text speaking and mine crafting I was ready to kill them both. Boy child added insult to injury by attempting to comment on the standard of cooking tonight (No one not even me screws up pesto pasta it can't be done).. he thought better of it when he realized that Nonna wasn't going to rescue him any time in the next two weeks....

Finally they left (thank god) chuntering and moaning all the way up the street no doubt about how I don't understand them and that if people want to talk to each other they do it online or on mine-craft, or text or whats-app and they shouldn't be forced to go to social gatherings and...... blah blah blah...

This was when I decided that I needed to create a culinary masterpiece... so I finally addressed the *ahem* mustard.... now once again I followed the recipe, including the stinking the house out for three days prior (mustard and vinegar smell not me personally although I wouldn't know since I can't smell) and ok I may have misread 1TSP of chilli flakes for 1TBSP but I am still at a loss to how when I was expecting this.....

mmmmmm mustard

and I got this.... ^^^^^

Now in a completely different way  to the lettuce and  turnip soup this is actually a taste triumph even if it does look like (and I'm going for the polite version) vomit... its just not attractive... therefore I cannot mark this as an epic fail or a triumph... just something that's going to sit in the fridge for a few months until I can justify throwing it out....  So I have decided that maybe condiments are not really my thing either... so it's onward and upwards to the wonderful world of chutney... which for the purposes of this blog is not a condiment and purely because I am going to have a shed load of green tomatoes to use up soon (and since I hate them I can make the rest of the family taste test it instead)

On the other 33 things front (no major achievement) I decided last night to address the writing problem... (or lack of other than poor grammar, bad spelling,  blogging behavior) Now I don''t currently (see what I did there procrastinating procrastination) have the discipline to start or finish a book, so I did in my moment of clarity last night remember how it used to be when I wrote for fun and for relaxation, and I took the plunge. I have re-registered with a writing group that I haven't belonged to for eight years (because I took my love of writing away from myself because quite frankly I am an ass) and I flashed... Not running around the internet naked, or the house, or exposing myself to random victims...(although that is still an option)  flashing is where you take a prompt and just write 500 (ish) words and run with it, no thought, no expectation just writing as it falls out of your head.. it might go somewhere or it may not but its flashing thoughts none the less.... I forgot how fun it is to flash to write for the fun of it.... and so I am going to try and flash on a regular basis (the writing kind unless the mood takes me otherwise when I lose those 33 pounds) to work towards the writing of the book/s... plus I am feeling proud of myself (therefore an addition to the loving myself part of the 33 things) for doing something I have avoided for such a long long time....

Flashing (counts as book writing) inspired by one of the best authors I know (Flash 1)

I'm not going to explain flashing.... other than to say it doesn't have to involve a raincoat and penis' , just know it counts as my write the book challenge...

Yes it's Wiki (therefore unreliable)

"The laden shopping bats..."

The laden shopping bats bounced their sonic radars from the walls keeping her awake yet asleep in her eternal shopping nightmare. She avoided sleep in the same way that she avoided reality. Her cupboards bulged as did the underside of her bath and the mattress that strained at the “goodies” hidden beneath. She didn't regard the shopping as her problem, it made her feel good, powerful and in control of her life. It was only when she was forced to regard her purchases, often made in the worst peaks of her mania that she realised that this was yet another failing, coping mechanism she used to get through the daily grind the rest of them called living.
The bats echoed their screams against the walls of her brain, her conscience, urging her to buy those heels, that dress, that bag, knowing that she would never wear them, just hide them, price tags still attached, screaming out her failure as the woman that the world thought she “ought” to be…
She tossed and turned begging them into silence, conscious of the noise that her secretive purchases were making from the places that she had stashed them, far worse than the noise of the bats that she couldn't silence. She wasn't ready to face those demons, those embarrassments and to face up to her addiction that made her feel like a functioning human being. It didn't matter that she didn't like what she had bought it mattered that it was a bargain, a once in a life time, an opportunity not to be missed…. Making her a better, more functioning individual.
She often wished that she could sleep the restful sleep that her family did, that she didn’t spend the night trolling Facebook, the internet or any source of comfort that kept her awake. Only in the night when the bats were most active most demanding most convincing was she ironically able to keep them at bay. In her mind shopping online at night equated a problem; like drinking alone or signing up to an online casino.
This night, this night was different somehow, she could feel the screams of the bats laden with wonder and promise, sense them approaching, but tonight, this one night she felt that she might have the courage to fend them off, to stand up for herself and to tell them no. She knew that if she missed this chance, avoided it like so many times before that the destructive cycle she had fallen into would continue with no chance of redemption.
She needed to face her fear and she knew this no matter how frightened it made her, the need to uncover those purchases was the key to the undoing, one pair of shoes at a time, one diamond encrusted must have handbag, the frocks that no matter how much weight she lost couldn't justify the expense or the guilt that came with the price label. As she reached for the costume jewelry; shocked at the living room showing her excesses that she couldn't possibly have afforded, her hands clasped around the bat shaped broach that she didn't remember purchasing in the first place. The broach echoed the noises that she heard in the hazes of her unsleeping state, screaming out to her that she needed to hide the purchases she had strewn everywhere and to continue the cyclical pattern of shopping she had created, succumbed to; that made her a “real” human being like she had a right to belong to society. It was in that moment that she experienced her first moments of clarity, the insight she had been missing for so long, she still had no idea where that first laden bat had come from, but she knew in order to change she had to throw it out, price tag and all in order to conquer her negative coping mechanism and to face reality.

(651 I broke the 500 word flash count but I haven’t flashed in a long long time)

Girl Flu

This picture here pretty much sums up my day.... I awoke feeling like death, full girl flu has officially kicked in (and its way more serious than man flu because its a real thing for starters) I had that moment when I really thought about calling in sick and then moping around in bed all day, but then I remembered the wise words of my mother who said I should share everything with others. Which I have translated as share the misery, so I dragged my sorry ass into the shower (smelling like turnips FYI) drugged myself to the eyeballs (legal substances only) and drove into work because since I work from home most of the time, I felt I ought to, just to show that I still actually work there.... Now we moved offices last week so I had to work out a) where the hell I work now and b) how to get there... As I was driving up the motorway I spent most of it working out whether the girl flu had affected my vision or whether it was just really foggy... turns out I was just breathing heavily and fogging up the car windows (really need to work out where the defogger is on my car)

Arrived at work and decided that due to the severely limited parking, today was not the day to attempt reverse, parallel or any other kind of parking so I stuck to my abandon car in nearest safe place, which has worked for me for so many years. Became overwhelmed by size of new office location and also the car park, secretly wished that I had one of those pretty antenna things (mine would totally be a Tardis if I had one) so that I could find my car later...

Made it to reception (head muzzy, nose and eyes streaming looking like a service user rather than professional that I supposedly am) and politely asked where I work... which may not have been the best approach but it took effort to even ask that. Rude and bewildered (which may explain the rudeness) receptionist said if I didn't know, why was I there?... had to flash badge of importance before she rang the appropriate place (there was a moment where I was concerned she was calling security) and advised me that someone would come and get me, in what I thought was quite aggressive tones..

Well I was fetched and put into the lift (shown above) that caused mild panic attacks when I envisioned that finally they had caught up with me and decided to section me and that this working for a living was all a clever ruse to get me into the local institution. I mean who actually has lifts like this? I realize we are all stressed up to the eyeballs but is this supposed to be inspiring or motivational?... like hey it could be better here is a padded lift for times of extreme stress... Nope I don't like it I shall be taking the stairs from now on....

Got into office, which is just this expanse of caged professionals, desk after desk after desk *shudders* sucking the souls out of the living. (Like the job needed any more help with that) Nope I felt like Sam I am.. I do not like green eggs and ham, I do not like giant office spaces, not in a box and not with a fox.. I do not like them Sam I am...  Located desk (I use the term very loosely) and decided quite quickly that although I feel isolated working from home, at least at home I don't feel the life force draining out of me... Also remembered that working in an office means that you can't have a fag break when you feel like it, watch repeats of Eastenders, sing at the top of your voice, or take the piss out of your mother (which is mainly because it's only funny when shes in the room and high on turnip or lettuce soup)

Decided by 2pm that this was not for me, grabbed car parking permit and ran for the hills......

Got home and awaited arrival of oldest small person so that mother and I could go food shopping... now I am trying to be all frugal and use up what I have, but a) I have the cabbage soup diet upcoming next week b) the small people apparently have to have food for their lunch box and c) hubby said if he went all he was coming back with was lard and cheese.... took mum who is an awesome shopper because she likes to look at things like I do and try to turn the whole shopping malarkey into an adventure rather than the usual drag. I did get bummed out when I remembered that mum is going to Kent tomorrow and I've got to do the actual cooking, washing and other grown up stuff she does... (I think she's going to have a tantrum when she returns and has to dig me out from the mountain of rubbish that I'll create)

Now I wouldn't like to get a reputation as someone who complains a lot, but what the heck has happened to food shopping? I am actually kind of good in terms of not buying everything with a brand, and buying the best deals (as determined by weight and need not just the impulse buying crap they try and sell you) and yet I still spend shed loads of cash on what looks like nothing - lets put it this way for the amount of money I spent on what feels like nothing I could have got a lot of £9 chickens.... (Also do not food shop with girl flu, it just makes you want to buy lemons, honey, chocolate and smooth juicy throat reliving drinks and DRUGS lots of DRUGS) I did also invest in leggings because I can't be bothered to shave (yay autumn) and got mum some bits and pieces that since I got her home she has decided are shapeless and so I have to take them back....

Turns out that the family have staged a coup against my cooking... (which is frankly ridiculous although I do have enough turnip soup to see us through several winters) and decided that I clearly need the night off... so burgers and cheeps (they were cheeps trust me) all round....

As you can see mother took great pleasure in eating real food that I hadn't tampered with (and I suspect is half the reason she is so glad to be going to Kent in the morning) She says to say that this isn't all of her food, but if you'd have seen her shoveling it in the way I did you'd know this isn't true

No real progress on any of my 33 things today, but I'm sick so its ok...

Turnip Tuesday and Tantrums (or more cooking fails)

So after yesterdays disastrous lettuce soup eating it was time to turn my attention to the dreaded turnip soup...



Note above from from 33 things I am going to cook and cook well (well every budding chef should have a recipe book to hand down through the generations) that I made comment on the lettuce soup...

Anyhow since other people (namely the small people) think I can't cook I'm kind of accepting of this however, I can bake (in fact I'm quite smug about the fact I can bake, but then I did work in a bakery for several years putting the cherry's on bake-well tarts ((its a REAL job people)) so it's to be expected) Based on this I though I would make some good old Soda Bread.... I did make many a stereotypical reference about Irish people and danced around the kitchen singing about the luck o the Irish and saying begorrah a lot (Okay I don't actually know if turnip soup and soda bread is an Irish thing but I liked the idea that it was at the time)

Now I probably should have realised that this was going to be a fail at this time of the baking process... but I am nothing if not optimistic.. and I banned mum from eating anything for 40 minutes because yummy turnip soup and soda bread was incoming...

What I was aiming for... (you can already see where this is going right?)

Soda Bread

What I got, and I'm not sure that when  I cut it it should have "screamed" in the way that it did but oh well.... I have to say that it smelled more like gingerbread than soda bread and it tasted well... it was mildly better than the lettuce soup...

Turns out turnip soup is as gross as it sounds no matter how much you try and pretty it up with nutmeg and gingerbready soda bread.... It was again a triumph in taste sensation... Mum valiantly ate it while trying not to gag and I did the same (wishing that I had a variety of pot plants to hide it in).. we ate it in silence... (in a shocked there are no words for this muck kind of way) as if punishing each other and daring the other one to crack first..... interest fact about turnip soup... its as cleansing as the lettuce (really going to have to invest in an outhouse if I keep cooking stuff like this) .. Hubby who refused to partake in such stupidity got the chocolate ice cream out of the freezer and smugly ate his bowl of cereal and ice- cream while making comments about smell of turnip soup.... (he also begged mum not to go to Kent on Thursday because he is concerned he is going to die... if he does it won't be because of my soup trust me )

Despite all this I have decided that I am still going to crack this cooking marlarky and have accepted that despite apparently being the easiest thing to cook in the world soup is clearly not my forte so I am going to adventure into condiments:

Trust me by the time I'm done with this baby its going to be the bee's knees of mustard....(honest)

Anyhoo as I settled down for my Tuesday dose of rage and anger...(money saving meals for the record) my mum who takes all of my fads / whims and the like seriously made me a lovely jug of mint tea (see I am going to nail the vegetarian frugal life) which nearly ended up in the telly when Mr O was explaining not some 1 minute into his budget program that a £9 Chicken was a bargain... Well that led to a proper tantrum with me yelling and cussing and being furiously furious (because just furious is not enough)...which I think is as a result of the fact that I was feeling hungry from my turnip soup (but couldn't face another bowlful)....

To top this off I am currently feeling very flu like, which would be about right the week before I give up smoking, it's like my body is having a strike protesting about all the home-made *ahem* goodness going into it, the impending lack of nicotine and vegetarianism that is fast approaching... I gave in and had a power nap... in which I mean I went to bed with a book.... but then had to get up to go a voluntary interview which may have gone well until they asked me what my husband thought and I said "I don't care what my husband thinks" which raised a few eyebrows...

I do not even have the energy to discuss the girl child, only that I have renamed career week career wars because it is like hell on earth trying to have a sensible discussion with a hormonal 13 year old... I prefer talking to the boy child at the moment... grunting I can manage and understand on a basic level... all the eye rolling and "god mum your so uncool" and "you don't know what it's like" and the arm wailing is going to result in one of our deaths before Friday.....

That being said boy child has joined Young Voices (Very proud) but trust me if I hear walking on sunshine at 5am again this week, someone's going to be walking on something!

Food fails, teenage strops and planned fad dieting.

So after yesterdays soup cooking marathon.... my mother of all people actually saved the lettuce soup and made us eat it for lunch.... I say eat because it took several attempts to actually put it in either of our mouths, pre-cursored with lots of "I dare you to eat it" "no no you" It was like a man vs. food off only of the grossest food know to man, woman or beast... We did try to distract one another with discussions about ostriches and whether they could fly or not, or at least manage to jump into a tree.... mother decided this was the most hilarious thing she had ever heard and did the kind of laugh that involves "accidently" knocking her soup on the floor...

There was a lot of bashing Delia... and questioning my cooking skills (naturally) and re-reading the recipe to work out why mine was not the bright green creation she made or in fact a taste sensation. This is not fair... it was indeed a taste sensation... one of which I never wish to repeat... Mum suggested we take it down to the soup kitchen, but I pointed out that in this case beggars could and definitely should be choosers when it came to eating this...




Mum gave it a valiant attempt (above) but then rushed off to the toilet for a good 20 minutes after she had got this far... I was amused that she then spent the rest of the afternoon trying to flush the remains on this "sludge imposing a soup" down the sink and into the dishwasher... I had flashbacks of a my childhood trying to hide tomatoes around the house...



And this is my cup (not pre-emptied not flushed/ drained or other removal technique) which I finished....to amuse myself I tried reading the lettuce leaves (not dissimilar to tea leaves only tea would have tasted a hell of a lot better!) I decided that the lettuce read as SHIT  (which if you squint a bit and stand on one leg you can kind of see?)... which in fairness about 10 minutes later I also felt the need to visit the bathroom (I had run out of toilet paper and had to use £50 note napkins instead for those of you interested in why I have been flushing £50 notes today)

Verdict: Disgusting but cleansing...

Mum then pointed out that tomorrow we have to face the joys of the turnip soup (which I'm already cringing about) and that I still have a ton of cabbage lying around and maybe I could make soup out of that... Which of course led me onto thinking about next week's impending non-smoking / vegetarianism / losing weight (and being a bit manic) for the next 33 days... and I do like to giggle and challenge oneself by doing THE most ridiculous things.. (for example why just diet when you can crash diet, or why hit  any old car when you can total both yours and your husbands at the same time ((this happened once people ONCE)) so I browsed the web and decided the only crash diet you can do with a ton of cabbage to spare is the cabbage soup diet... (oh I am so looking forward to the banana and milk day)...

Cabbage Soup Diet

Now my mother and hubby who despite 33 years of my existence, have failed to ever understand me and just looked at me and said why? (well my mum said a lot more including thank god I'm going to Kent this week).. So I explained (again) that I have several core beliefs (no really I make them up as I go along)

1) If something is going to be funny / be made funny / be a horrid experience that no one would choose to put themselves through... I'm your  girl
 2) If you tell me I can't do I'm going to have to prove you wrong even if it means not wearing nice shoes for a week or something faintly ridiculous...
3) I do want to lose weight I'm just too impatient to actually have to wait (no pun intended)
and my most important rule
4) Despite the horrid abuse of words / grammar and the like in this blog, I love words and one day (when I grow up) I wanna be a writer... and I firmly believe you should write about what you know and your experiences... therefore I should research and actively take part in these kind of things so that I have wisdom and knowledge to draw from (although I do not plan on writing a diet plan / book so my thought process may indeed be flawed)

Now you can't look up a crazy ass diet like this without learning a heck of a lot about other crazy diets..... including the baby food diet (Just not happening unless I can live off purely of the  chocolate and banana puree) The lemonade diet (which just doesn't look as fun as it sounds) The pasta, chocolate and popcorn diet (I haven't written this one off yet) and the tapeworm diet (just NO)

Fad Diet's cheered me up no end

Anyway I majorly waffled there but the plan is get the cabbage soup diet and nail it (not the soup it would slide off the wall) and then attempt other extremist diets just for the fun of it....



Anyway enough talk of food (Aside from this above picture which is pretty similar to the face she made during the lettuce soup eating)

 

and what happens when you ask girl child to bring you cheesecake... (marks for presentation 0 )

So girl child came home from school today, and I will confess that one of my many flaws is that I'm not one of the world's most motherly mothers... some people it just comes all natural and domesticity and goddess like and some of us have to work at it... I generally apply the rule that it is 13 and still breathing therefore success!! So (and I live with me so I know) cor does she talk a lot and fast... turns out it is "career week", now I got a bit confused here because there was something about fat tomatoes, and caring roles and not cutting open dead bodies and the school thinking she is thick...which is when she burst into tears all over the table (how inconsiderate? her not me) about not being ready to make this kind of decision and how does she know what she wants to be... and she's just going to be a bin lady because then she can live with me for forever (errrr.... no I already made a life plan for when she goes to University)...

Took a bit of shouting at each other and talking over each other and me telling her I know everything and it's alright to be scared and not know and for her to tell me I don't know what its like to be a teenager these days I'm so out of touch and totes not totes amazeballs (and mum acting as the ahem *unbiased* adjudicator)...  Finally we got to a point (and this has something to do with the fat tomatoes... and when I work this out I will clarify) where she got all shouty / stroppy / hormonal about how the tomatoes told her to be a SW (well I can't repeat what I said but it does confirm the bad mum theory) a speech therapist or a surgeon.... I'm currently pushing for the Surgeon option...

Then something a bit weird happened.... (may have been the lettuce soup or the lack of Vodka or an act of god) she said she was going to take me to town at the weekend and buy me breakfast (wow it really is all about food today huh?) which I think was an apology.... or a sign that I need to eat.... or female bonding... (to be dissected and analysed at a later date)

The she changed the subject like it never happened at all and we talked about puberty (personally I preferred the fat tomatoes)

Not doing to well on the reading front other than I do have two books on the go as shown below...

 

Which is not as much fun as the first one...and I think I'm going to have to give it up as a bad job, except that I have issues with not finishing books... as in it might get better before the end (unlikely)

And then I stole / borrowed this one from girl child who borrowed it from the library because it's all about her... now I have to say this one is WAY better and totally should have been what I was reading as a teenager instead of all those idealistic books about how beautiful the world was going to be as an adult...(LIES) but I am clearly old and past it... by page 17 Alaska was at it with the poor innocent student named Miles (and I did raise my eyebrows when they had a fag on the swing afterwards) so now I have to finish it just so I can know what I'm yelling about to girl child and the school... (smoking in playgrounds should just not be allowed!)

 

Growing stuff, cooking stuff, eating vegetables

Decided this morning to be productive and to deal with the mess that I have previously referred to as my vegetable patch.. to be fair I have left it to go to wrack and ruin, as I am an instant gratification kind of girl and I couldn't be coping with the having to actually wait for stuff to grow....

Now naturally since one of my 33 things is grow stuff... I'm not going to count any of this as my new growth count but I can officially say that I can grow a turnip or several hundred.... I can also apparently grow teeny weeny potatoes, diseased cabbages, minuscule carrots and lots and lots of lettuce....

I will say that although I was kind of sad that the veggie plot looks sad and lonely now it was quite exhilarating to beat the shit out of the earth in an aggressive manner... I also had that moment where I felt the need to save the veggies that had failed to grow... needless to say as much as hubby tried to prevent me from doing so my living room now looks like a greenhouse and I had to give the failed babies a chance to grow...




See above veggies (I grewed them all by myself) I feel like a proud parent... except that generally I don't make babies and then eat them..... because that's wrong (and illegal and well its just not socially acceptable)

So in the spirit of embracing my 33 things which involve saving (or as I prefer to look at it being frugal) and learning to cook I couldn't really throw out all my newly dug up vegetables so I spent a happy amount of time on Google looking at wonderful recipes to make out of turnips.... turns out there's a lot you can do with turnips (not all necessarily for eating... and trust me when I say that today I have seen things done with turnips on the internet that makes me wonder if there's a special fetish club for that kind of thing)...

I finally settled on soup... soup is cooking and its measurable and its specific and in theory this works towards my 33 days of vegetarianism (to be started at same time as Stoptober...) so lettuce soup and turnip soup it was to be...



Now I'm no Delia... and I did use Delia's how to cook for dummies (or whatever branding she uses these days to make us idiots feel like we don't have a clue... but at the start at this recipe it all looked healthy and lush... and scrum-mins.... and I smugly danced around my very small kitchen declaring myself a goddess of growth and cooking... listening to radio two (down by the sea if it matters)... waiting for the delectableness that awaited...

Lettuce Soup

Let me be clear when I say... this is not what I got.... I did not get bright green yummyness... and I followed every step... including the "soften" part which normally I would skip and the exact cooking times (well okay 30 minutes sounded too short so I did it for an hour... or two... fine I got distracted by watching Shopaholic....)

This is what I got, sludgy green ick that reminds me of mushy peas (ewww) and looks like baby poo.....




During all of this I also made turnip soup ... mmmm appetisiing right? Now I did learn a few things which are that turnips are not fun to peel and neither is skin... I cussed more than a few times and took off a nail with the vegetable peeler.... there was a lot of dancing and screaming and not looking because I didn't want to pass out when I witnessed the bloody massacre that I imagined my fingers to be....but utter relief as only losing a nail (no it didn't go in the soup) Also I do not like earwigs and they are stubborn little scuttlerly bastards and just won't stay down the sink no matter how much water you run (scalded boy child at the same time because I forgot he was in the shower)

Once again I waited for deliciousness to descend upon me... (you would think I would know better... I didn't use Delia this time just a recipe from a fabulous blog I found during Google time)

Turnip Soup

What I actually got... wallpaper paste.... now I have tasted it and am of the opinion that its not the worst thing I have put in my mouth (Don't ask me to list worse things please) but I do genuinely believe that it would hang wallpaper very well (Hubby says I'm not allowed to test it)...

I am very concerned that this vegetarianism cooking thing just isn't going to work unless I eat purely chips and cheese... because I'm not sure that soups is my specialist skill... But I did dig out my SW books (not the social work ones the other well known diet) and discover that If I do the "Green" option I can be veggie and still eat four portions of cheese a day (wooooohooo)

Other important facts... I did want to record my cooking in a Jamie O does pukka cooking in my kitchen kind of way, but hubby said the world just wasn't ready for that kind of atrocity so I abandoned the podcast/ you tube video and in fairness the slicing of my nail would not have made good viewing.... (maybe next time) but I still talked as if I was doing a cookery show while cooking... (well if cooking shows had foul language and throwing stuff on the floor and declaring 5 second rules and wallpaper paste) which cheered me no end...





Only girl child was brave enough to try either soup (boy child said he would rather eat cake... so would I son so would I and did so) and decided that lettuce soup was in fact yummy.... until I gave her a whole cupful... but turnip was better....


Tomorrow's adventures?... Soda Bread.... well it can't be any worse right??

Two posts one day...

I already posted tonight... and that was for listing purposes.... which makes me feel like I achieved fuck all which is not strictly true... I actually spend most of my days working out cool titles for my blog entry... and I kind of fancied today's as being... I don't usually organise but.... having list post kind of blew that out of the water ( oooh two blog posts in a row.... blowing stuff is total catchphrase now to record it...)

I should have known what kind of day it was going to be when girl child was first one up and voluntarily fed the rabbit she ignores 6 days of seven.... 

Check it... I'm a hoarder and I'm equally ok with it (NOT I do live with my mother.... no wait she lives with me... same thing really)  decided in weird 33 year old maturity to clean / declutter / hide stuff in new places... this took 5 hours plus...

massive disadvantage of cleaning means you find stuff that when you were drunk was hilarious and now you find it just reminds you of a youth wasted... *cries*  but not like I actually sobbed when I found this....

ooooh check it... I cleaned that space... (and worked out what the hoover is for...)

I actually have no words for this....

Girl child's reasons for why my blog is apparently crap... (don't worry I didn't read it either)



My mother (sans pink DM's and girl child AKA giraffe girl)

Finally a list....

Guess I put it off and procrastinated enough... (I changed age not personality. so here is the final list (if you know me well you will know this is subject to my own terms and conditions and mood swings)

1) Have pole dancing lessons... (I recently went out drunk as a skunk launched myself at a pole and nearly knocked myself dead.. therefore I need to retrain in this department, also not only amazingly sexy  funny as hell but also of benefit to my dieting plans)
2) Go to theme park (probably should clarify that this does not mean merely check in at Alton Towers / Drayton Manor / Thorpe Park on facebook but go to theme park and scare living bejusus out of self on crazy mad rides... also subject small people to the same treatment and have a ride off with them)
3) Make own clothes (or to be more specific make at least one wearable hand crafted outfit... I had to say this because otherwise clothes shopping is out for a whole year and I don't think I could do it)
4) Learn to love self... (now I was trying to make my 33 things measurable but this a tough one... how will I know? My social work training says blah blah blah outcomes and S.M.A.R.T objectives ((if I have to explain this then go use GOOGLE)) so I'm going to quote my well written friend and go for "do not dull your shine for anyone else. You are magnificent and you should not ever hide who you are to suit someone else"... we will work out the measurable part (((maybe a facebook vote in a year)))) later.....)
5) Go paintballing (one of the main things I got from the various list submitted to me was that I need to spend more time with my family as a whole.. that and the acceptance that my family is all nuts and active and that's why I'm the only fat one left... plus paint balling is going to work for me since we already know its going to be epic to blog about... and I am never more happy than having to something to moan about and this particular sport comes with bruises guaranteed)
6) Write book and blog... (I used to punish myself by not writing, and now I may not be as good as I used to be but I do remember how much I love it....on a side note Stephanie Meyer always wrote about what she was listening to while writing... ((you don't have to like twilight any more or less than 50 shades she still earned a shit load of money through her books)) today was brought to you by the teenage dirt-bag album...)
7) Lose 33 pounds... (not in money that would be dead easy but in weight... I am faddy and a dieter in extreme.... ask me about the cabbage diet, the jaffa cake diet, the honey and lemon, the slimming world and weight watchers to name a few... but I am much bigger than I have been in a while... around 13st and I'd like to be in the under 11 club... just so I don't have to throw out my entire wardrobe)
8) Grow hair (no real explanation needed only that I commit to a year of not radically cutting my hair... I will to keep this one achievable probably maintain with a trim and a colour... I am currently ginger and that definitely needs fixing.. but growth is the key word here..... which means if I have more crap than usual I'm going to have to find a new coping mechanism rather than chopping the hell out of my hair)
9) Learn to reverse park (I can do this..its the main reason I'm first to work in the morning... but I am going to learn to do this in a car park full.... measurable and achievable all you non-believers)
10) Go on actual holiday (this doesn't have to include flying... the last holiday we took as a family was 2000 and something... like pre 2005...)
11) Buy new furniture (Ideally a sofa... and a fridge... to be defined within my 33rd years)
12) Get butt flush (thanks girl child... I don't think I need to explain this but I will accept that this could be highly amusing blog material)
13) Go back to university (or more broadly because some things you have to expand on... go back to education, learn something new.. because that's who I am.. the eternal student the lover of words and phrases and knowledge...)
14) Drink 33 drinks (you can chat about sobriety and octsober and kidneys and liver as much as you like... I do my job and drinking is a part of my current coping strategy's... but I have got stuck in a rut of Vodka, Vodka and well you know.. therefore 33 (alchomofrolic) drinks whilst 33)
15) Grow 33 fruits and veg (I didn't know I liked nature or growing stuff prior to my recent move, turns out I do, mainly because being a gardener turns out to be an aggressive sport.. as exampled by a bad day at work with a shit boss and hacking down a tree... doable achievable... measurable..)
16) Learn to cook (bit ambiguous this one, and I still need some time to totally define this... but maybe cook 33 things my kids will eat?)
17) Meet Brilliant (non negotiable no discussion required except I think I promised her that I'd give her a screaming orgasm last night...)
18) Quit smoking... Stoptober (again)    (much to the displeasure of my old work colleagues I managed this once so I can "totes" do this again.... and this time I can do it right... we'll settle for a goal of 33 straight days starting on the 1st of October and ride it out from there...)
19) Play more games (not the mind games that I suck at... but rather xbox... now this is measurable since my gamer tag wifeofonyx will record this for me)
20) Save ( money not games) (dann said I had to clairfy this since 19 is about game playing...really should be of an age where if my fridge blows up or roof caves in or run out of Vodka have actual "spare cash" in da bank)
21) Have sex 33 times (during my smoke break in writing this I did have to clarify with hubby whether this meant with him or in general.... turns out ((according to him)) that this means with him and any liaisons with the Dr don't count (((not a fixed point in time apparently)))... woo)
22) Win Man vs. food challenge (to be determined)
23) Read 100 books (I was trying to be grown up and pick the classics... not going to happen seeing as my two books of choice include the yet to be released raising steam and revenge of the prada...)
24) Change job (this is  a must I can't declare in real words how bored I am right now)
25) Watch 33 or more epic films as decreed by Leelou & Dann ( foolishly I was expecting great intellectual insight and debate... turns out they both have crap taste in films but if I acheive 33 of their combined ridiculousness it still counts)
26) Own Converse (real ones defined by my previous Dr Tennant theory... bland (beige) for uneventful events, black for I might do something stupid and Red for breaking every time lord law known to man and time lord)
27) Sort out mum (to be officially determined in next hideously drunken debate with said mother... no pink DM's required in this particular discussion)
28) Do lots of RAKING (because making others feel good makes me feel good because I am a narcissist and its all about me)
29) Have kitten (Tardis... yes really...)
30) Glamp (with Essex accent) ( I have few rules in life ((or morals)) but I do have a few... I don't queue, I don't use public transport and I don't wait... I also don't use tents... so glamping is probably a good compromise)
31) Be Veggie - 33 day minimum (I already accept that Bacon is going to be the breaker on this deal)
32) Be Cultural x 3 (or more) (still living the vagueness of this.... but ideally you know ballet, festivals and musicals...)
33) Get 33 different catchphrases ( and record them on video) (cos that's all folks)