Big Hair. Christmas Trees and Who Tree's

I woke up this morning, and for someone with NO hair, as in it's very very thin from the years of abuse I have inflicted upon it, I woke up to massive AFRO hair, now I wouldn't mind so much if there had been some rough and tumble in the night, to warrant big I got up to naughty's hair, and in this picture I had brushed it twice (no naughtiness by the way), it refused to be tamed in any way shape or form so I just walked around for the majority of the day looking like cousin IT or  a distant relation to Chewbacca.

Mum decided that today was the perfect day to go Christmas shopping, and she had that look on her face that meant that it was and there was no point arguing about it. Plus apparently... we NEEDED a Christmas tree, I agreed because it was easier to keep the peace, but I did state that there was no way I was taking either of the small people with me. Hubby tried to pretend to be a small person but I decided if I was going to have to be tortured by entering endless shops that he was going to suffer the same fate.

So we went shopping, and I somehow forgot that mother is a complete shopaholic, if you can touch it, sniff it, scratch it or put it on, she does, often shes does all of these things. She tried boots on, which as most of you will know then led to the big boot debate. Like do my feet look big in this? YOU HAVE SIZE SEVEN FEET they are huge so therefore YES, hubby gets all uncomfortable about this debate and does that shifting from one foot to another thing like he needs a wee. I did try to explain that its not the same principle as the does my bum look big but gave up when he did his exasperated man face. Furthermore I am beginning to suspect that my mother was either a thief in her past or current life. She has this whole theory about five finger discounts and how it is acceptable so long as you use all five fingers to swipe the items. She get's very passionate about it, alongside the whole joke about if it doesn't have a label then it's free, except that she means it. I haven't gone as far as looking under her bed or in her suitcase but she does have the serious makings of a kleptomaniac.

We went to Primarni, which while I love is a total time sucker, two whole hours we spent in there and that is not including the time lost due to hot flushes, mild panic attacks and arguing over how tall and wide the small people are. I had a strop and said that I didn't care and I was doing everything by size and that if my children refused to conform to the size that they should be based on their age, then that was their problem and not mine. Hubby took a fag break during this particular part of the shopping because he just cannot shop in the same way that my mother does. (To be fair I'm not sure anyone can)

I'd like to say that the shopping trip meant that all of Christmas shopping was complete but that would be a lie, because I got distracted by shiny things and Doctor Who handkerchiefs, mum got distracted by everything and hubby stood and stared at a picture of an Xbox 1 and did his puppy dog face. We did buy a tree in which Hubby got all excited about and quite frankly I wasn't that interested, when it comes to tree's it's like asking me to reverse park... totally not interested.  We eventually made it home and I decided that since it's apparently the month of Christmas tomorrow that I ought to at least make the effort and get the Christmas crap out of the garage

And thus Christmas exploded all over my living room. I was going to tidy it all up before mum got home from work, but the effort of thinking about Christmas just wore me out, so I decided that this year I'm going for a modern art piece and calling this explosion the unmade Christmas (not unlike the famous unmade bed) ... also I am open to offers should anyone want to move this into an art gallery and make me rich as sin. 

Since we had the damn tree, it kind of made sense that it be put up immediately, so as to prevent the inevitable angst that I get myself into over the whole thing, plus putting it up today would apparently beat a shed load of daemons and make me feel proud (my therapist is in for a fantastic week this week!) It didn't but I did allocate the job to the small people, hubby who clearly has sensory issues of his own, decided to buy another set of Christmas lights, despite the fact that he does this every year and now I have enough lights to strangle him with, for the record if I do decided to do this I shall claim to the police that this was his fetish and that he wanted to go out twinkling.

And drum role we have a tree, I have already placed bets that the kitten will have it over by the morning. Now most people assume that I am a total Christmas hating Grinch, this is in fact not true, I love Christmas in that it means being together and spending time with my family, and I love the whole cutesy decorations and the feeling like being a part of something, but I do have a self imposed issues with Christmas Trees, and they genuinely upset me. I can't help it and I have valid reasons, I have worked on this over a number of years but I can't just get up, grow up or deal with it, but this is progress and the earliest the tree has gone up. Now I just have to work towards the next battle of not taking it down on Christmas day when the small people go to bed.

I have in an adult and mature way instead decided to expose myself to tree's via flooding. A friend tried this recently on me, and nearly succeeded aside from my damn stubbornness. Sleeping with a Christmas Tree will do that to a girl. (Get your mind out of the gutter people I am not a Objektophilie) Therefore I am making a WHO tree, which basically involved taking a twig, spraying it blue and covering it in Doctor Who related paraphernalia. I have yet to find out but maybe this will help with my "issues"

Once again I realize I have broken the universal law of turning an angel into an image, but trust me these have been in my house for the best part of two weeks and none of them have snuck up to send me back in time yet, of course if that does happen I won't be able to tell you but Hey Ho. Trust me when I say the tree (per se) is a work in progress but I will naturally be showing it off to it's full glory should I ever actual you know like finish it.

Girl Child had her final scans on Thursday, was quite amusing watching Hubby walking around the hospital in his pajamas, so as not to get magnetized to the MRI machine. Was also amusing watching girl child's disappointment when she realized she wasn't going to stick to things as a result. Nothing doing in that department at the moment though, just got to sit and wait it out, and find out whether Christmas is happening at home or the children's hospital. I am an instant gratification kind of girl so believe me when I say all this waiting is driving me insane.

Rest of the day has been pretty much uneventful, the house is a complete tip and I have assured everyone that I am going to tidy up tomorrow but we all know this is not true. I am now going to drink a shed load of Vodka and post excessive pictures on Facebook before sleeping past 5pm tomorrow :)

A month in pictures because I used up 50,000 words this month

SHE'S back!!! Okay so I totally neglected this blog for the last  oooh month, I have a ton of excuses and I can't be bothered to type them, in case you missed the 17771 words that I achieved today (yes really procrastinator Tabs is in the house) just take my word for it when I say I have hand cramp (and that's the highly edited polite version). Plus I don't have the energy for a full on month long catch up, unless I can use pictures to convey words.... which I fully intend to do, It's my blog I can make up the rules ok?

Ah but I digress.... as always, 33 things... list achievement - update clearly update's are required first - that I can do even as I resort to using my nose to type...

1) Have pole dancing lessons... Nope haven't had time for this
2) Go to theme park  Nope haven't had time for this
3) Make own clothes  Nope haven't had time for this
4) Learn to love self... Marking this as pending, I love myself a lot more this year than I did last...
5) Go paintballing  Nope haven't had time for this
6) Write book and blog... There are no words required:

read it and weep... it's a fact and no ye of little faith I DID not just write the same word 50,000 times although that was tempting

7) Lose 33 pounds...I lost half a stone... it's an achievement
8) Grow hair  Well I didn't cut it yet....
9) Learn to reverse park Nope, what for you can't park in hospitals, I'm sticking to the abandon veichle approach.. it's wholly acceptable in most hospitals
10) Go on actual holiday - Nope
11) Buy new furniture - Have sofa... not that I've seen a lot of it this month
12) Get butt flush - I'm going to have to find an angle on the being scared to death by my daughter to not have to do this
13) Go back to university Nope
14) Drink 33 drinks - definitely drank more than the agreed 33 - but mainly it's been Vodka
15) Grow 33 fruits and veg Too cold
16) Learn to cook I can make soup
17) Meet Brilliant - FAIL :(
18) Quit smoking... Stoptober (again)    Nope, have to make it quit smoking rather than specifically October since it's practically Christmas
19) Play more games Nope
20) Save ( money not games) Hospital parking kind of wipes out any money you had (sense a theme here yet?)
21) Have sex 33 times  - Just no, although when I don't have hand cramp there is a funny story involving implant removal and mint condoms
22) Win Man vs. food challenge Nope
23) Read 100 books HELLO I just wrote one, therefore I READ nuffink
24) Change job DID IT.. well kind of since I'm working my notice
25) Watch 33 or more epic films as decreed by Leelou & Dann NOPE
26) Own Converse still no - sad face
27) Sort out mum - well she got a job, so that's progress surely
28) Do lots of RAKING NOPE :(
29) Have kitten YAY have kitten
30) Glamp (with Essex accent) NOPE
31) Be Veggie - 33 day minimum Trust me when I say I nailed this... hubby and small people still recovering
32) Be Cultural x 3 (or more) Now I am totally counting watching the BBC proms as one, because thats well cultured even if it was Dr Who related... it COUNTS people!
33) Get 33 different catchphrases ( and record them on video) JUST NO


Well I think we nailed that and thank god since my hands really are protesting... so onward with a photographic journey (not necessarily in order, get a Tardis for those kind of things) of the suckiest and awesomeness of my life...

I may have mentioned this.... but I spent considerably less time than the allocated month writing a novel, it's trash but I still nailed it :)

In a moment of self discovery. I decided that hormones are the root of all evil, or at least my varying skin conditions, I had my implant removed, and I was brave

Girl child before she got sick, demanding that she be taken to Stafford to party like the rest of the bitches, ooops I mean witches

Mum madly obsessed with steam cleaning the hell out of everything...

We got a kitty.... we argued over his name, in my head he is still Adipose King (yes I'm fully aware that its a fat cell in Dr Who but it's cute)

Then Alaska got sick and got the naming rights to call him Salem (I call him Adipose when everyone has gone out)

I had an anniversary. Like a proper 13 year old one, with flowers and everything. I got to enjoy these beauty's for approximately 2 hours

then this happened :( and she stole my socks..

and it just got worse from there...

:(

yet through her pain, she remembered the importance of fashion and good lips, not that there was anyone else in the actual ward to even think about kissing

And she got sicker

and sicker

and less and less amused at her mother photo documenting it all

This was the last one I dared take at this point

Mum stepped into the breach and explained it like spending a night with the exorcist

And then banana milkshake (ALWAYS bring a banana to a party - he knows what he's talking about) saved the day

I learnt origami

And we got our own room...

We discovered new kinds of selfies and the benefit of a good Dad t shirt

And then we got segregated again in a  whole new hospital

But we could eat, wear ridiculously small hats and communicate further than sign language

And then they made her do lessons, in hospital while sick (what is the world coming to?)

And because we have a good scientific understanding. We learnt to draw what was wrong with us, even if we couldn't explain it to other people without sobbing

And then Dad came and made everything shiny

The cat slept the whole month

The boy child remained bandaged

But learnt that a pair of tights has more than one use, come children in need.

Hubby learnt that there are no lines I won't cross in search of nature to be later applied to Doctor Who., he allowed me to get us lost in the forest and found me a walking stick

I painted out my woes in to the upcoming Who Tree (Real thing people)

The cat woke up

Girl child (new pajamas and all) decided that bob needed boy pj's for his return to hospital

And I was amused by faeces when I finally made it back to work

I decided to celebrate the 50th anniversary in a TARDIS off with a friend

and won thanks to the power of photo bombing..

 My Husband regenerated

And I wore every piece of clothing I own to recreate a mixture of all the regenerations...

And there was custard and fish fingers

And decorations

Girl child was half a tardis even if she need a mirror to reflect her writing

And despite mothers bickering they all joined in...

We all took a turn at hanging around in door frames

 And boy child demonstrated his Whovian abilities

We got a little crazy post 50th

And then the Dr regenerated (make of that what you will) in my bedroom of all places

The windows got replaced and it was cold

And then I had another anniversary in which I was spoiled and we spent another day at the hospital

Mum got all crazy with her vagina knitting

(do not ask)

And hubby got all nerdy with his star gazing app

And to end it all, I began to make bunting....

And that was November - The edited version