So of course there I am digging away just asking for trouble with the cotton bud from the ear factory of death (or deaf pun intended) when next thing you know I can't hear a bloody thing. Which then leads me to all manner of behaviors including weighing up the putting the ear bud back in, banging myself on the other side of my head like I expect my hearing to be resumed, blowing with my nose closed and just generally trying not to have a oh god I made myself deaf again panic attack. The last time I did this I had to go to work and spent an entire day agreeing to things that I still don't know what they are... this could only lead to disaster.. I decided and this won't surprise anyone to get drunk so that I wouldn't notice the hearing loss. Eventually I announced it was bed time in which I noticed in my habitual best check on the world (read facebook) in case I actually missed out on something and noticed that Bombshell grey girl was unusually (for the time) not gone sleepies. Of course in my drunken and deaf state I felt that I should extend the hand of friendship one non sleeper to another so I send her a whats app (because I'm down with the kids and all about the technology) to see if she was ok. Clearly she was in an odd mood herself because rather than engaging in conversation with me she sent me a series of photo's about how she was in fact in bed and misty but not sleepy... turns out she can mist the bed send me a photo of how I'm not in the bed and then instigate a text "chat" session for the period of an hour and a half. I'm telling you next time hubby complains about my need to chat when going to bed I shall point out that I have nothing on BSGG!
Proof that she sends me guilt pictures of pillow mist and my absence (also spot the grey room and red and black and white picture that shows that I do not make this stuff up!
Naturally because neither of us are good at normal adult conversation this resulted in a guided tour of my making my way downstairs using photo imagery and walking head first into the kitchen door, BSGG sent me her recordings on her inane giggling that I am now setting as her ring tone.
We did get somewhat stuck on the little mermaid which led to a whole bunch of inane giggling and even discussion of puppetry of the penis (to be discussed in a whole other blog post)
Dinglehoppers featuring heavily throughout the discussion...
and then just went on a whole other adventure. The discussion ended with a nice round of goodnight from the sound of music and because I was feeling competitive I left her a morning song of The sun has got his hat on to make her giggle in the morning. Turns out my singing is not improved by being deaf...
I *may* have blown up the home computer last night which meant that me and mum having no combined social skills at all had nothing to do all day, so she insisted that we go out shopping and bond. This may sound like a nice idea but if you can't hear out of one ear and have to keep saying WHAT? and realise how loud the world is normally while trying to stay upright in the wind (turns out you need your hearing for a lot more shit that you realise) its just not the bonding experience we had hoped for. Plus if you lose your mother in the pound shop you can't hear yourself yelling "mum, mum, mum" but the rest of the store can and if your my mother then you pretend not to know me and instantly disassociate yourself from the crazy lady who didn't brush her hair this morning.
So throughout my shopping I pondered doing some gardening again, since this appears to keep me out of trouble, helps my mood and means I get to make people eat stuff that I grew and they aren't allowed to complain about it. So one purchased a lot of seeds and garden related paraphernalia and felt in general smug about my self efficiency. Did not feel as smug as me and mum returned to the car buckled at the knees under the weight and each trying to work out as the arthritis twins how to actually carry all this crap. This led to a mass discussion about the morals and ethics of stealing shopping trolleys and how its not really stealing if you paid a pound for it, I did point out on this basis that if you were going to acquire a trolley for a pound that it made sense to have the larger one on the basis of frugality.
By this time I was already to go home but since she was clearly giddy from leaving the house mum insisted that we stop at the garden center since we had to drive past it anyway so it was only right. I agreed but only because their was discussion about a nice sit down a cup of tea (she lies people she lies). Taking my mum to the garden center was a mistake since I forgot about her sensory need to touch, smell and taste anything, which makes most outings last longer than the average day out. We were admittedly impressed by bacon jam and mum announced that was hubby's fathers day present sorted.
One of my favorite part of the shop is their selection of highly inappropriate cards because I am THAT immature. I was tickled by the stores need to cover this particular card with a warning post it note:
which revealed this:
But didn't think that this needed a warning...
Leading me to the only conclusion possible sluts are not good but tiny penises are acceptable. I'm sure this is some kind of middle class value that I am yet to learn.
And the best card of all (which may end up being my mothers day card)
kind of doesn't need any further explanation. I would have stayed longer but mum started looking like she was going to eat the stores new body range (although to be fair the violet cream products were totally edible smelling) so we left, minus the tea and food.
This afternoon I decided to start planting things and getting all down with the nature. Now sometimes I forget I am an adult and that my mum lives with me and not in fact the other way round (I know I protest about this too much) so there I am all dressed in hubbys clothes (well I'm not going to ruin my own am I?) pottering around flinging mud and talking to my peas and broccoli like some kind of green guru goddess when the chuntering starts...
" and where will you be putting those?"
"errrm in the airing cupboard?"
"wrong, its too hot in there and we need the space for the towels"
"sigh fine I'll put them in the windowsills"
"nope you cant do that can you the cat will knock them over and I'll be hoovering mud for days"
"then I'll clean out the porch and put them out there"
"SNORT sorry clean?"
"fine shuffle things around and make space"
"how can you make space where there isn't any"
"I'll clean off the shoe rack and put the seeds on there"
"and where will all the BLOODY shoes go... I ask you, seeds for shoes what is the world... mumble mumble (please note I had to guess some of this with the whole deaf thing)
"on the floor?"
"on the floor oh please... no they can go in your bedroom"
"the shoes?"
"no the seeds that way they won't be in the way, of course you'll have to keep it tidy in there plants don't grown under mountains of clothes you know"
I gave in and put them in the bedroom only for hubby to come home and announce
"I am not sleeping in a bloody green house, they aren't staying in here"
Which just makes you wonder why I even bother in the first place.
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