It had admittedly been a few days, maybe even a few weeks, I have reached that point of mania where I do not know whether I am coming or going or I am happy or sad, but I do still know a number of things:
1) All about livers, bile, wounds, RA, OT's, assessments of a non social work kind and hospitals... I am not kidding when I say I could publish the official guide to hospitals and not be sued based on my collective knowledge.
2) other things I know about and intend to discuss (SPOILERS) is poo and wee, no heaven forbid I should be grown up and discuss it in terms of urine and faeces this entire section of the blog will be poo and wee (DO NOT EVER SAY I DIDNT WARN YOU because THIS IS YOUR WARNING)
3) Low fat diets and the fact that they suck..and even though its one of my 33 three things I cannot cook or in fact cook without giving myself a serious lady garden wound (TRUE STORY)
4) How to be one of THOSE PEOPLE... I came I saw I moaned... I am THAT person and I have a badge and everything.... it says "ask me about poos and liver I'm your gal"
5) Anything else I declare that I have knowledge on for the remainder of this blog post....
SO in no particular order (or because I drank vodka, have a raging cold and am drugged on drink a cold remedy cures) I decided to create one of my amazing diagrams (see below or wish you were blind:)
This diagram pretty much (although not to scale) sums up my current life.... I ended up rushing girl child to hospital on Sunday because she was so ill, only to feel as the eternal Atheist incredibly bad when she announced that maybe this is all her fault because she asked god to get her through her op and then he could do anything to her which is why she is still suffering (I do not have enough words or emoticons for the stomach dropping heart stomping feeling that this invoked (((insert noose / epic parent fail HERE )))) but I do love pie; the kind with the crusty top not the numbers kind...
Turns out little miss girl child who could give thumeblina a run for her money can't handle the amazing knock out effects of a) FAT (which makes everything taste amazing - DO NOT get her started on this unless you can deal with tears, anger and throwing shit that you probably like) and b) knock out pain killers that make you vomit / not know who you are... I did try and explain that this is what mummy feels like everyday but for some reason when she was throwing tardis' at me she did not find quite so amusing...
So because I change topic more than my underwear (FOR THE RECORD IT IS DAILY) I got up this morning to find that mum had the cranks... for once I do not exaggerate, there was door banging, throwing toast at people and generally being a bit of an ass (Mum not me) , I did try all of the what works on me (if its not about me I'm not interested) including stealing her lighter, trying to make her laugh, eating said toast and offering cups of tea... there is only so much growling that a clinical depressive can deal with before she passes the task on to her husband.... turns out after girl child confesses that she kept my mum up all night by making her laugh about having her ear replaced instead of her liver... which made the bed shake which meant they could feel the springs and something about cakes that made my mum MAD (all day if you are wondering)
I digress and if I could be bothered to photo edit:
My mum's nose looking angry and.. (which is going to make her crankier)
my mum just having the cranks all round...
In other more relevant news (WARNING ABOUT POO) being a liver mum means being obsessed about 't poo, runny poos, smelly poos and just poo that isn't eeyore or piglet related. Girl child does not enjoy these conversations (understandably) but it was only on arrival to work (for the first time in like forever) that I finally understood where she was coming from. People do not talk about POO any more than they talk about prostitution or in fact HERPES.. yes I really went there (insert funny story about pulling a sickie by convincing my boss I had syphilis - true story). I'm going to shorten this story because as always I have plundered new territory and am happy to humiliate myself but can only reasonably go so far... So I had that moment when I needed to poo at work of all places, and I have this getting paid to poo but still not being comfortable enough to poo anywhere but my own toilet... there are a few exceptions that have taken me a number of years to build up to pooing in their toilet but PUBLIC POOING is in general a no no for me.... However after asking an expert and also closet pooer (real word people) I had discovered the joys of the basement toilet, so lost and dark (think twilight zone) that NO ONE human poos in there... until the day that I need to poo so bad I am probably going to experience death by explosive bowels.... 45 minutes I wait outside that toilet trying to pretend Im waiting for a client / important meeting or am in fact a cleaner... Eventually I admit it I gave up, drove home broke down the front door without speaking to a family member until my movements were satisfied.... my solution... basement toilets to be installed everywhere....
To say that girl child is a bit pissed off with having X amount of bile ducts, a miss functioning liver and cysts left right and centre would be putting it mildly... the poor girl just wants to eat her Ben and jerry's name sake (baked Alaska) in peace without having to seek out an aforementioned basement toilet.. so we have had to resort to cooking low fat... which kind of works for me as one of my 33 things to learn to cook:
It's easier for me to summarise and you reach your own conclusions based on my previous attempts:
Slow cooker chowder (I do not own tin cups) according to the book ^^^^^
^^^^^ and according to my slow cooker.... results pending
^^^^^ Italian bean stew
^^^ The real stew... but girl child ate two bowls full so maybe not that bad...
Throughout these two cooking attempts I did learn some vital lessons about chilli... YES we all know I am that woman.. and please bear in mind I have a raging cold.... I'm like man VS food, like MAN vs JAWS or man versus anything they will lose against... so I cut that chilli all naked and confident like (I laugh in the face of heat) and I washed my hands with something approaching scorn afterwards....
Things I learnt..
DO NOT go for a wee... with naked hands... my lady parts are having the kind of party that NO one wants to be invited to... I'ma firestarter
pretty much covers it.... also do not put your fingers into any orifice of your own or others unless you are into S n M or really hate the other person...
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