Fine I have totally slacked on the blogging recently, but I do keep coming back which must count for something. I'm going to continue on in the manner of do what I like and start with today and work backwards. I knew it was going to be one of those days this morning when my internal body clock and voices said DO NOT GET OUT OF BED ON THIS DAY OF ALL DAYS (proper intoned in a doom and death prophecy kind of way) now this isn't unusual this happens every morning after my usual morning routine:
alarm goes off - I hit hubby to turn it off
hubby sets alarm to snooze
snooze goes off - I smack hubby in the face (usually he gets out of bed at this point)
hubby sets alarm to snooze
snooze goes off - small people come in and turn it off because "it's so bloody annoying mum"
I don't hit small people because that people is child abuse
snooze goes off about another 8 times
Eyes open and I do my self body check, 2 arms, 2 legs, body, hands, feet and other appendages (I do this every morning just in case something has dropped off in the night - you never know people better to know before you sit up than leave half a leg in the bed)
Inner voice screams "dammit why I am still here"
snooze goes off for the final time
then the remaining inner voices chant "don't get up it's not going to be any different today"
and yet my family question why I am not a morning person... it's a lot to go through in the first hour of your morning especially when you then only have 5 minutes to get showered, dressed and to work half an hour away! Seriously my mind and body are in shock everyday
Today I should have taken notice but I was determined to be positive. So I got dressed (big mistake) put my boots on (even bigger mistake) and wheeled my wheeley trolley out to the car (most fatal mistake although clearly I am still alive). Drove to first visit and completed it in confident know what I am doing way but pondered about odd sort of smelly smell that was around. Assumed was just the current environment and left for next visit. Discovered similar smelly smell at second visit and decided that clearly I am more sensitive today. Made it to office and wasted at least half a tank of petrol trying to find a damn parking space, failed and used up one of my weekly parking permits getting back out of the car park despite being unable to park... parked a zillion miles away but remained bright and cheerful. Now I am one of these people that does not walk, I am more of a charger, I have places to be and I want to get there ASAP, none of this dawdling or looking at stuff no not me, Pet hate getting stuck walking behind slow walkers.... (I also blame hubby for this as having legs at least a foot taller than mine means he strides everywhere so I have to run to keep up) Anyhoo so I trundle my trolley and march up to work, where surprise surprise I have to fight for a desk (funny how there isn't a permit system for that!) Find one and am plagued by smelly smell but can not identify what it is. It is apparent after some time that I am not the only one noticing this smelly smell, only now it appears to have multiplied and there are two. People who come to talk to me are starting to avoid me or lean away wrinkling their noses which is when I realize that one of the smelly smells is definitely me, lets put it this way there is a reason people have wardrobes so that they don't mix up their unclean clothes from their clean ones.... Never again will I pick up clothes off the bedroom floor (yes okay I am slut and not the sex kind as my mother keeps reminding me) because well I smell like all the onions I peeled when we were making pickled onions 6 weeks ago. Emergency spraying every can of deodorant in my bag in the toilets and nearly setting off the fire alarm. Which of course meant that I spent the remainder of the day smelling like pickling onions with a hint of aloe vera. (It may have healing properties but it can't erase onion smells from cardigans), As I settle down to a serious afternoon of actual work some one squeals "what is that stink", which of course I am hardly going to stand up in an open plan office of professionals who actually wear clean clothes and announce "oh it's me I am a slovenly sloth of a slut" am I? No instead my face goes red instead and I want to crawl under my desk and die. But that's also not an option since the last time I hid under my desk my boss found me and asked what I was doing and I had to lie and say looking for my contact lens that I don't actually have and then spend half an hour crawling around on the floor with her helping me look which was equally as embarrassing. SO of course then everyone has to start dissecting the smell and trying to put their noses on it (the smell not me thank god) so I am the point of just packing up my bag and leaving (I can smell in my own house this at least is socially acceptable) when another squealer shouts "it's shit, shit that's what it is" (so much for the professionalism) so of course the ritual of checking everyone's shoes begins and I am beginning to wonder if I have confused the smell of poop for onions, but even with my dodgy senses they are two distinctly different smells. I check my shoes and am relieved that although I do indeed smell of onions I do not smell of poop of any kind. Once everyone has decontaminated themselves and announce it's not them I reach into my bag ready to pack up and leave... which is when I spot the dog muck caked into the wheels of my trolley, this is when I KNOW that it is time to leave as quickly as possible because I am not going to be the onion girl and the poo girl.... quickest exit ever people believe me, only stopping to clean said muck off in downstairs toilet. (Yes I trailed it through the building but clearly since I did it on the way in it couldn't get any worse)
I take the trek back to my car, only forgetting where I actually parked which is when my boot heel decided to drop off the actual boot, so now I am wandering around aimlessly with a shitty trolley, onion body and crappy shoes looking vaguely like a homeless person (except that would actually be an insult to homeless people) the only part that made it worse was that after 20 minutes of searching for my car but telling myself to remain calm and that it had to be somewhere was when I saw it like a mirage in the desert lurking at the end of the street where I had apparently left it. Which is why I was somewhat bemused when it took me 5 minutes of pointing my keys at it and it failing to open to realize that it was not my car, or even the same colour. (My car being black and this one red) Clearly my sense of sight as well as smell have been deactivated today. (Must add checking of senses to waking up routine from now on) Eventually found car after much damage to feet and soul. I will confess that I then sat in my car and cried the pathetic cry of people who have no idea what they are even crying about.
Now I may have mentioned this several times but December is not my month, if I had the option to remove a month from the calender December is it, and if pushed I would say that I am happy to discriminate against December more than any other month, I am not an equal opportunities calendar lover. And yet I have tried this month to actually not hate it as much (I'm doing much better believe me on this) but it is still doing it's damnedest to make me hate it some more...
Fortunately I do live with the boy child, who sharing the same sense of humor as me, (read juvenile) took one look at my face when I walked through the door and handed me this
then solemnly said "bottom" in his best minion voice before asking what the onion smell was.... this cheered me up no end to the point that I felt motivated enough for a shower. Being only 7pm as I type now I have no further stories for the day but I will bring you the photo's and discuss them with great joy
AHAHA - Have most excellent friends who know me far to well (well that and I am not subtle about anything ever... except smelly smells) She sent me lovely Doctor Who Goodies which were apparently unwanted (who lives in her house and are they mad?) and this led to much dancing around the house and singing to my mother's amusement made up dr who songs about snogging in and on tardis' with any or all of the doctors. (It was Joyous)
The kitten (Salem if you ask everyone else Adipose if you ask me) has decided that he cannot possibly sleep in a curled up position so has now adopted the pretend to be dead pose and woe betide you, should you wake him up...
I spent my weekend being drunk but this time is was different (said the vicar to the actress) because I made stuff's well actually I got drunk, got excited screamed at my friend for not letting me in on the inner sanctum of crafting knowledge.. (which like a certain other club I don't think I'm supposed to talk about ooops) and then she let me play with her envelope maker.... I have so many envelopes I could start royal mail, which with my surname could totally work. And who knew making envelopes was so much fun? Well I do now.
Then this came... Which is TOTES AWESOME... because I love lego, and I love lego games and I love winding up my husband. He thinks I know nothing about anything and that I am only a geek by marriage (lies people lies) So of course I spend most of my time antagonizing him while playing the game and saying things like "when does batman turn up?" and "you know that one, spider-man's brother you know the wolf one with the claws" highly amusing I can do it for hours which always cheers me up. Plus secretly I love it when he is the sidekick (although the sidekick argument that went on for days depends on which side of the fence your standing on)
On the same note I foolishly forgot that I live with geeks (I know it was like a mind wipe or something!) who get amused by anything. This is boy child who took great pride in "hacking" Google so that he could leave notes for Nonna "since she spends all her time on the internet".
Which is how he produced this (shame about the spelling but he was still proud) of course you don't live in this house with some competition (healthy or otherwise) and you don't live with the king of geeks (see what I did there?) and try to teach him to suck eggs
because next thing you know everyone else can do something better with Google than you. Personally why I would want it to mirror everything I write and display all my results backwards I don't know but it amused the boy children in my house and meant Hubby could get all his testosterone out and prove that he is still the man of the house. Boy child only admitted defeat when hubby did a Google drop or some such nonsense...
Now apparently you can't have December without Christmas so I let Christmas (or the girl child) vomit all over my house in a bid for therapy or some such crap... this involved finding every bit of Christmas tat and lobbing it all at the fire place...
Too be fair I was more upset about my Tardis' being relegated to the hall way for this tat but well apparently you have to play nice at this time of year (yet another reason to hate it)
<==== Tree up before the 5th designed by my children that's all I have to say about this...
But of course it wouldn't be Christmas or me without a complete new spin on it... so I present to you.....
WHOMAS!!!!
(not to be confused with hummus of the chickpea kind)
This made me chuckle at my own wit (modesty is so unbecoming) that I felt the need to share my joy with others....why I though a non Whovian would understand I have no clue
Based on her reaction I am TOTES putting Whovian under religion next time the Census comes round...
That about brings me up to date... and I vow to write more regularly (just like I say every post)
