So it was back to school yesterday and I have to confess that I did indeed think I had woken up in a parallel world. Well there was the point in which girl child shouted at boy child as she stormed out of the house something about Moron's but I was still doing the morning body parts check. Boy child arrived in bedroom (still in onesie) before beaming at me and placing a cup of tea by the bed, then he disappeared whistling. Both of these things in themselves are small miracles since the boy child (despite being in the choir) can't hold a tune let alone keep his lips together long enough to actually whistle and his tea making tenancies while useful often result in very differing results. After establishing that I was indeed alive, in tact and awake and that hubby had in fact gone to work and that I hadn't as dreamed buried him the garden I tried the tea, which wasn't in fact bad. I then realized that as always new year or no I had five minutes to shower pull on anything that actually might still fit and leg it out the door. So you can imagine my surprise at the bathroom actually being occupied.... by a boy child of all people whistling and showering at the same time. I must admit that I wasn't very polite about stupid children having showers and washing themselves at this time of the day when I have to be at work in FIVE minutes, but he carried on whistling and washing. I paced the house like a mad thing pondering whether I could just get in the car sans washing but decided that what with last years onion smell, the garlic disaster and the blue hands scenario that maybe this year if only for one day I should in fact make an effort. It was a close run thing between me losing my temper in an unholy manner, switching off all the water and waiting patiently. I'll let you guess which option I went for.
Work was work, you know the same old same old and I was as always looking for distraction which is when mum rang (she is useful for something). Interestingly we have a ping pong table downstairs in the basement for light relief, but for some reason I am banned from using the table... may have had something to do with the tennis player style tantrum I had the last time I played and broke the ping pong paddle. Some people take themselves far too seriously! It's not as if I would really have made him eat the damn thing! Girl child's hospital appointment arrived which is now scheduled for the 25th of February, felt both relieved and stressed about this all in the same moment, however have scheduled all the work stuff around it which is good as it falls within my notice period which means I won't have to explain it all over again and take time off when I've just started.
Came home and broke news to girl child who had the mother of all melt downs and the older these small people get the more I am getting lost in the parenting etiquette. So I soothed her by making her laugh and telling her horror stories about when she wakes up from the operation and her sides splitting open if she sneezes and that since she's always moaning about having no boobs maybe we could talk them into giving her some spare ones while she's out for the count. Not convinced it will go down as my best parenting move based on my mother's eye movements but it made her.. well truthfully freak out a bit more and then resulted in a weak smile while she tried to work out if they would indeed give her boobs and how she would feel about it. I'm telling you this teen / pre-teen stuff is a whole new era. I much preferred it when the only hormones in this house were mine. Judging by the epic spot on the side of my face that is in danger of actually becoming a head in it's own right the small people are clearly keen on sharing.
Spent the remainder of the evening literally laying out on the sofa; how is it that its a new year and I'm still bloody tired all of the time? I have to say that channel four are clearly pulling out all the stops this year because firstly I made the mistake of watching "benefit street" which in my clearly addled social working mind I thought might be a nice wholesome program about how people fight through the changes and how they use their benefits in positive ways; sometimes my own naivety shocks even me! It was basically an hour of the typical stereotype already used to create an us versus them culture, shoplifting, cheating the system and growing drugs in their spare bedrooms. It was total car crash telly, and yet I had to watch the whole thing. Hubby and I got into a heated debated in which I declared it coalition propaganda and atrocious viewing, and he said stuff like, well I wish I didn't have a job and paid 50p for my washing powder, so we put it on series link so we can argue in the future. It seemed only right after this to indulge in "Female masking the secrets of the living dolls". This led to further debate and actual hysteria as my mother got all cross and amused by it at the same time. I was more than concerned when she suggested we get out the wall paper paste and make masks so that we could sit in the park the following day. Of course me being me felt the need to Google this phenomenon (I'm nothing if not curious) and discovered the difference between English rubber lady parts; aptly named the British peach and American rubber lady parts; branded normal. Hubby and I spent some time working out how man bits fitted in lady bits (yes yes I have small people I know the process) and still functioned. I also pointed out the fact that I have no issue with people wanting to dress like boys, girls, aliens whatever, but why ON EARTH do men who dress like women insist on wearing clothes that no woman on earth would actually really wear. Mum's point of view was that if she was 70 and wearing a bikini it might as well be yellow with her nipples falling out, but she had started on the sloe gin by then. Hubby said he couldn't take anymore of my viewing choices and insisted it was bed time, but to be fair by this point we were actually having serious conversations about what he would want to look like if he was a rubber doll and I think this may have been a bit much even for him.
Had very odd dreams about female masking but as foxes and woke up to a text from hubby announcing that it was a good morning followed by a picture of a male mask. Having only just woken up and not completed my morning routine I nearly wet myself with laughter... but had to hold on for dear life since boy child has again insisted on having ANOTHER shower... (lasting an entire 15 minutes) leading me to the only conclusion possible which is that it must be a girl. I did ask him about this and he said "it's not a girl, I just want any girl", must spend some time thinking of an approach to this because it's nice to know he's not fussy but does seems a little on the desperate side. Plus he's 12 isn't he supposed to still be farting and making mud pies or something???
Finally at 1:35pm boy child decided it was clearly time for the first injury of the year and alas I was summoned to school for a head injury. Actually have to admit that I haven't seen his whole forehead swollen up into ostrich egg proportions before so I was mildly impressed. Decided against A&E trip unless his head turned a funny colour or started swiveling like something out of the exorcist, plus I had mum look at it and she said he'd be fine. (See mum now its publicly documented). I did of course inquire as to the nature of the injury and just what exactly one has to do to get into this state? Turns out that all you have to do is leave a room because you've finished eating, turn back to talk to your mate and forget there is a wall in the way. It does lead me to wonder exactly how hard my son slams his body around on a daily basis but it is a cracker of a swelling / bruise. I did remember this time to make the school sign a form to say that he had done this at school and that they were giving him back in this condition, so that when he arrives tomorrow with a black eye no dodgy questions or eyebrow raising occur.
I made dinner it was a massive failure, I actually do not have words for the not spaghetti bolgnaise because I didn't have any onions, mushrooms or garlic, had to use the odd bits of cheese from the Christmas selection, blue cheese and Edam mess that I presented to the family unit. I suspect that boy child must have done some serious damage to his head since he didn't complain even once, mum tried to avoid it by bleating on about having to go to work but I managed to force a bowl full down her too. Apparently I am cooking again tomorrow and in fairness it's not my cooking that is the issue, it's that use everything up because a big food shop would break the bank problem. Plus I watched extreme cheapskates and this couple do a frugal fast, where instead of shopping they actually use everything in their cupboards / pantry/ freezer and I thought that even though they ate goat heads (erk) it was actually a really good idea since I complain about what gets wasted in this house a lot! It is a good idea, I just need to be a bit more creative. Maybe..
EDIT: I cannot believe I forgot to mention that my newest TARDIS arrived today and it is epic, not only because I was not expecting it or because it comes with a fantastic magazine all about it, but because it is the heaviest thing I own and should hubby and I get into a fight, or I get burgled (whichever happens first) it is the ultimate offensive weapon, one blow to the head... jobs a good un :)
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