Food fails, teenage strops and planned fad dieting.

So after yesterdays soup cooking marathon.... my mother of all people actually saved the lettuce soup and made us eat it for lunch.... I say eat because it took several attempts to actually put it in either of our mouths, pre-cursored with lots of "I dare you to eat it" "no no you" It was like a man vs. food off only of the grossest food know to man, woman or beast... We did try to distract one another with discussions about ostriches and whether they could fly or not, or at least manage to jump into a tree.... mother decided this was the most hilarious thing she had ever heard and did the kind of laugh that involves "accidently" knocking her soup on the floor...

There was a lot of bashing Delia... and questioning my cooking skills (naturally) and re-reading the recipe to work out why mine was not the bright green creation she made or in fact a taste sensation. This is not fair... it was indeed a taste sensation... one of which I never wish to repeat... Mum suggested we take it down to the soup kitchen, but I pointed out that in this case beggars could and definitely should be choosers when it came to eating this...




Mum gave it a valiant attempt (above) but then rushed off to the toilet for a good 20 minutes after she had got this far... I was amused that she then spent the rest of the afternoon trying to flush the remains on this "sludge imposing a soup" down the sink and into the dishwasher... I had flashbacks of a my childhood trying to hide tomatoes around the house...



And this is my cup (not pre-emptied not flushed/ drained or other removal technique) which I finished....to amuse myself I tried reading the lettuce leaves (not dissimilar to tea leaves only tea would have tasted a hell of a lot better!) I decided that the lettuce read as SHIT  (which if you squint a bit and stand on one leg you can kind of see?)... which in fairness about 10 minutes later I also felt the need to visit the bathroom (I had run out of toilet paper and had to use £50 note napkins instead for those of you interested in why I have been flushing £50 notes today)

Verdict: Disgusting but cleansing...

Mum then pointed out that tomorrow we have to face the joys of the turnip soup (which I'm already cringing about) and that I still have a ton of cabbage lying around and maybe I could make soup out of that... Which of course led me onto thinking about next week's impending non-smoking / vegetarianism / losing weight (and being a bit manic) for the next 33 days... and I do like to giggle and challenge oneself by doing THE most ridiculous things.. (for example why just diet when you can crash diet, or why hit  any old car when you can total both yours and your husbands at the same time ((this happened once people ONCE)) so I browsed the web and decided the only crash diet you can do with a ton of cabbage to spare is the cabbage soup diet... (oh I am so looking forward to the banana and milk day)...

Cabbage Soup Diet

Now my mother and hubby who despite 33 years of my existence, have failed to ever understand me and just looked at me and said why? (well my mum said a lot more including thank god I'm going to Kent this week).. So I explained (again) that I have several core beliefs (no really I make them up as I go along)

1) If something is going to be funny / be made funny / be a horrid experience that no one would choose to put themselves through... I'm your  girl
 2) If you tell me I can't do I'm going to have to prove you wrong even if it means not wearing nice shoes for a week or something faintly ridiculous...
3) I do want to lose weight I'm just too impatient to actually have to wait (no pun intended)
and my most important rule
4) Despite the horrid abuse of words / grammar and the like in this blog, I love words and one day (when I grow up) I wanna be a writer... and I firmly believe you should write about what you know and your experiences... therefore I should research and actively take part in these kind of things so that I have wisdom and knowledge to draw from (although I do not plan on writing a diet plan / book so my thought process may indeed be flawed)

Now you can't look up a crazy ass diet like this without learning a heck of a lot about other crazy diets..... including the baby food diet (Just not happening unless I can live off purely of the  chocolate and banana puree) The lemonade diet (which just doesn't look as fun as it sounds) The pasta, chocolate and popcorn diet (I haven't written this one off yet) and the tapeworm diet (just NO)

Fad Diet's cheered me up no end

Anyway I majorly waffled there but the plan is get the cabbage soup diet and nail it (not the soup it would slide off the wall) and then attempt other extremist diets just for the fun of it....



Anyway enough talk of food (Aside from this above picture which is pretty similar to the face she made during the lettuce soup eating)

 

and what happens when you ask girl child to bring you cheesecake... (marks for presentation 0 )

So girl child came home from school today, and I will confess that one of my many flaws is that I'm not one of the world's most motherly mothers... some people it just comes all natural and domesticity and goddess like and some of us have to work at it... I generally apply the rule that it is 13 and still breathing therefore success!! So (and I live with me so I know) cor does she talk a lot and fast... turns out it is "career week", now I got a bit confused here because there was something about fat tomatoes, and caring roles and not cutting open dead bodies and the school thinking she is thick...which is when she burst into tears all over the table (how inconsiderate? her not me) about not being ready to make this kind of decision and how does she know what she wants to be... and she's just going to be a bin lady because then she can live with me for forever (errrr.... no I already made a life plan for when she goes to University)...

Took a bit of shouting at each other and talking over each other and me telling her I know everything and it's alright to be scared and not know and for her to tell me I don't know what its like to be a teenager these days I'm so out of touch and totes not totes amazeballs (and mum acting as the ahem *unbiased* adjudicator)...  Finally we got to a point (and this has something to do with the fat tomatoes... and when I work this out I will clarify) where she got all shouty / stroppy / hormonal about how the tomatoes told her to be a SW (well I can't repeat what I said but it does confirm the bad mum theory) a speech therapist or a surgeon.... I'm currently pushing for the Surgeon option...

Then something a bit weird happened.... (may have been the lettuce soup or the lack of Vodka or an act of god) she said she was going to take me to town at the weekend and buy me breakfast (wow it really is all about food today huh?) which I think was an apology.... or a sign that I need to eat.... or female bonding... (to be dissected and analysed at a later date)

The she changed the subject like it never happened at all and we talked about puberty (personally I preferred the fat tomatoes)

Not doing to well on the reading front other than I do have two books on the go as shown below...

 

Which is not as much fun as the first one...and I think I'm going to have to give it up as a bad job, except that I have issues with not finishing books... as in it might get better before the end (unlikely)

And then I stole / borrowed this one from girl child who borrowed it from the library because it's all about her... now I have to say this one is WAY better and totally should have been what I was reading as a teenager instead of all those idealistic books about how beautiful the world was going to be as an adult...(LIES) but I am clearly old and past it... by page 17 Alaska was at it with the poor innocent student named Miles (and I did raise my eyebrows when they had a fag on the swing afterwards) so now I have to finish it just so I can know what I'm yelling about to girl child and the school... (smoking in playgrounds should just not be allowed!)