What my mother and husband think

Now clearly my mother and husband think a lot of things, again many of them unrepeatable and you have to take into account that my mother is having one her many childhoods / regression. I will tell you that it took much longer to get answers out of both of them than the small people, in my mothers case because she got distracted/ the giggles/ went off and tangents and giggled and amused herself with the whole it's all shits and giggles until someone giggles and shits.... husband because (and I read a book on this so it must be true) men can only do one thing at a time and I did ask him while he was killing aliens from the plant zog on the soon to be redundant Xbox 360 (please god let me win the lottery before the Xbox1 release)... 

anyhoo... 33 things that my mother and my husband think I should do in my 33rd year...

Mum

1 get blood test done (its always about the blood and as I told her until they can find a way to get it out of me without stabbing me with needles and making me bleed or me passing out... its unlikely to happen)

2 go to dentist more than once (as caring as this sounds this isn't about me, this is about the fact that she is due to be tortured by said dentist and she likes to share the love)

3 continually educate yourself in all things (at the time she did look like she was searching for a higher purpose... think yoga and meditation without either of those actual things)

4 pluck / wax / thread eyebrows (eyebrow management) (I'm really beginning to take exception to all these comments about my general looks and upkeep.... I am sorry that I am not high maintenance make up wearing, eyebrow plucking perfectly pruned perfection but as I don't have to look at me it's kind of not my problem)

5 grow hair another 6 inches (minimum) (clearly I muss and cut my hair too much I'm getting the hint) 

6 Wing walk (given my fear of flying I can hardly see this happening can you?)

7 make own frock. (that would be kind of excellent actually)

8 re pierce ears or nose (I passed out age 26 and knocked over all the stands in claires and scared the wits out a 5 year old... why would I do THAT again?)

9 discover something undiscovered  (I like the vagueness of this and the fact that I could totally "wing" this one)

10 write book  (clearly i spend too much time talking about this and not actually doing it... that or she wants the credits in the intro)

11 take cookery lessons (I'll be fair here although my cooking is barely passable she did say that she meant arty fartsy stuff and not actually learn to cook)

12 take craft lessons  (like I need an excuse)

13 learn how to knit ( I can knit I just can't finish knitting... if you need a scarf I'm your woman)

14 be left handed for 33 days (My mother lives in the horribly discriminated (if you ask her) against left handed world... she thinks everyone should be forced to be left handed as some kind of lesson in life)

15 bring your mum more tea in bed (33 cups)  (I would if a. I got up first and b. you were actually any more approachable than me in the morning)

16 love yourself in all things (this is motherly advice if ever I heard it)

17 find 33 people to write 33 lists (I tried and all my facebook friends are ignoring me)

18 get eyes tested (well I would look remarkable and intelligent with my own lenses) 

19 get ears tested (no mum thats selective hearing)

20 do something outrageous (everyday just not in front of you!)

21 play knock down ginger using only houses with number 33 (I'm not even sure your still allowed to call it this let alone actually do it)

22 join team of sky divers  (for I am assuming; when I do my wing walking..?)

23 walk over hot coals (in excellent shoes?)

24 go into cavern and have picnic (well it's not her worst suggestion)

25 glamping with Essex accent ( I could totally glamp... not so sure about the essex everyone would be well jel and it would be reem)

26 start book (she started running out of ideas here as evidenced directly below)

27 finish book (see above although this I suspect is more of a gentle nudge about how I don't finish any..)

28 provide me with 6 more grandchildren (God I do hope she doesn't mean all at once)

29 successfully plant and grow 33 different fruit and veg (I don't think I can name 33 different fruits and veg)

30 swim the channel (lets go back to me not finishing anything shall we?)

31 parachute jump (since four out of these 33 appear to involve pushing me out of planes.. I'm beginning to get a little concerned)

32 own craft shop (and use all the stock as my personal collection?)

33 own pub (I would love this I miss my barmaid days.. however me with my own supply of alcohol and a cellar.... you wouldn't see me for days)

Dann

1 become qualified scout leader (ever the practical)

2 be happy with us (its called marriage for a reason)

3 give up smoking (yes I think we all agree that has to go on the list... I am an excellent quitter)

4 have savings (but what ever happened to the bank of Dann?)

5 sort yer mum out (I have been trying....)

6 be in a position to have baby (now judging by the look on his face when he said this I can't decide if he meant position.... if you know what I mean and this was just another attempt at hows your father... or whether he meant financially secure...)

7 go and see Lisa's baby (who by the time we get round to that will have left home)

8 learn to play games without looking at floor or ceiling (I can do that provided they give me a controller with the buttons in the right place)

9 watch LOTR trilogy (ongoing dispute about how much I love the books and have refused to watch any of these for fear of ruining the characters in my head)

10 finish photo frames (did I mention I never finish anything.... okay so those photo frames that I got and hung in the lounge and said I would pick my favorite photo's for still have the fake family in them, but I've grown kind of attached to them and imagining how they progress through life)

11 get tattoo (really based on how fickle I am oh and fear of needles and pain and blood)

12 have career change (I sense this one may be preemptive - he knows me too well)

13 spend Christmas with your dad (yes because knowing how I feel about christmas thats going to be even better)

14 buy 2 long frocks and be gorgeous (buying now that I like... being gorgeous... might take some work according to you lot)

15 wear  make up (see...)

16 have birthday on birthday (well that would be nice... but I'm flexible no matter how much I make you all suffer)

17 go to festival (can I wear my onesie make friends with strangers and crowd surf?)

18 walk more (maybe)

19 craft together more (I try and then Dann has to be all look how little effort I made and it ends up better than mine even if mine has blood sweat and tears and took 17 days)

20 take more photos (so I can put them in that frame?)

21 go abroad (I'm hoping he means together)

22 make joint friends (doable so long as they are geeks but NOT rooster-teeth geeks GAH)

23 play more games ( I love playing games such as toe wrestler, electricity man and fat bitch slap but I suspect he means board games)

24 have drinks cabinet ( with alcohol) (I'm not convinced that either of us is adult enough for this, imagine me with an actual selection of alcohol at my disposal... I'd be making dirty pints every day of the week)

25 buy new bed (agreed but he has to stop breaking them)

26 buy piece of art (I just know this would lead to an argument he'd be all modern squares and cubes and I'd be all ooooo Van Gough you know from Dr Who)

27 buy new sofa (I think from a family stand point we are all agreed a sofa HAS to be on the list)

28 have more sex (I'm surprised it took him to number 28 to mention this one)

29 make own clothes (I actually like this one from both him and mum, but if it is a total disaster I'm making him clothes too... after all I'm not going to be the only one sat in a meeting with her clothes falling apart)

30 make jewelry (mmmmm crafting)

31 buy 28 quid pork (really? after the actual temper tantrum I had about that... thanks Jamie Oliver... marriage wrecker)

32 be self sufficient (hamburgers, fajitas and Mexican cheese do not grow in trees)

33  learn to appreciate hd and surround sound (we both know its not going to happen... anymore than me knowing the difference between rays that are blue and those that are not... it's the girl in me... READ THE BOOK!)



Well there you have it...what happens when you ask your family the truth...If I was the sensitive type I'd think my image was appalling and run out to get a complete overhaul / restyle, and I assume again that I smoke to much and should be thrown out of planes *crys in corner* but I am not that woman... or I won't be at 33